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The table below gives information on interest use in six categories by age group. Describe the information in the table and make comparsions where appropriate. v.1

The table below gives information on interest use in six categories by age group. Describe the information in the table and make comparsions where appropriate. v. 1
Nowadays, studying music is becoming increasingly popular. Although some people believe that the music should be a part of the student's curriculum, others think that it is a waste of time. This essay will discuss why studying music is a beneficial thing for the human's soul, despite being a waste of time. As well as, provide evidence as to why benefits overweigh drawbacks. Studying music has beneficial effects on human's soul. It, from the past until now, teaches human beings to be quiet and relaxed. Moreover, it enriches their soul with good morals, values and manners. In fact, there is a recent study has done on two groups of children: the first one study music during their courses and the other group do not. This research has concluded the first group of children is more quiet and calm than the Second one. For these reasons, studying music plays a crucial role in students' lives. While studying music has many advantages, it has many disadvantages, as it wastes a lot of time. Students prefer listening to music instead of doing their homework. Furthermore, it will avoid them from studying their main subjects such as: Math, Geography, and Biology. For example, if everyone keen on studying music, there will be no doctors or engineers in the future. Therefore, making music a part of students' courses is a time wasting. In conclusion, whether or not, studying music is an argumentative issue. Even though, some people think that it should be a compulsory school subject, others say that is a waste of valuable school study time. From my point of view, After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the positive effects of the debate over studying music will always be greater than the adverse effects, and because of this, music will be a compulsory subject.
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is becoming
increasingly
popular. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
should be a part of the student's curriculum, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
waste
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. This essay will discuss why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is a beneficial thing for the human's soul, despite being a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
waste
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
As well
as, provide evidence as to why benefits
Possible spelling mistake found.
overweigh
drawbacks.

Studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has beneficial effects on human's soul. It, from the past until
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
, teaches human beings to be quiet and relaxed.
Moreover
, it enriches their soul with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
morals, values and manners. In fact, there is a recent study has done on two groups of children: the
first
one study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
during their courses and the other group do not. This research has concluded the
first
group of children is more quiet and calm than the Second one. For these reasons,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
plays a crucial role in students'
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

While
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages, it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
disadvantages, as it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wastes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. Students prefer listening to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
instead
of doing their homework.
Furthermore
, it will avoid them from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
their main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as: Math, Geography, and Biology.
For example
, if everyone keen on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, there will be no doctors or engineers in the future.
Therefore
, making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
a part of students' courses is a
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
time wasting
.

In conclusion
,
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is an argumentative issue.
Even though
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it should be a compulsory school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
, others say
that is
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
waste
of valuable school study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. From my point of view, After thorough analysis on this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
, it
is predicted
that the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effects of the debate over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
will always be greater than the adverse effects, and
because of this
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
will be a compulsory
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The table below gives information on interest use in six categories by age group. Describe the information in the table and make comparsions where appropriate. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
304 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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