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The recent popularity of online shopping will result in the end of high street shops. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.3

The recent popularity of online shopping will result in the end of high street shops. v. 3
In today's world, alongside the internet development, the more people find the convenience of online shopping so there has been the decrease in high street shops that maybe come to the end of the traditional market. In my opinion, I somewhat agree with that critic. There are some advantages of e-commerce, especially for the youth and adults who are still working. The first is fast payment: we can buy immediately what you need, just with some click on the website. Thus we do not need to cost more time to go out shopping. The second is on-the-budget price: it is easy to compare the prices of all sellers and make a reasonable choice. The third is this kind of shopping habits will help other economy sectors develop, such as small private companies' products those cannot join in the racks in the malls or supermarkets; e-banking (internet banking) and even e-money (electric money). Besides, there still exist some limits of it: lack of exact items when receiving the products, the delay in delivery and the quality control in some special goods. For example, A buys a board game expected in 3 days, but receives playing cards after 7 days. The results are approximately one third population still come to the high street shops and the old's shopping behaviours do not change much for years. Although the government opens the new technology in shopping, they do not restrict new malls and supermarkets. In contrast, the small street shops may become an online ones for their profits. After all, that leads to the equal opportunity for both kinds of market and the buyers will be the most beneficial because of the competition of the economy.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world, alongside the internet development, the more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
find the convenience of online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
there has been the decrease in high street shops that maybe
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the traditional market. In my opinion, I somewhat
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with that critic.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages of e-commerce,
especially
for the youth and adults who are
still
working. The
first
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
payment: we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
immediately what you need,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
click on the website.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
we do not need to cost more time to go out
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
. The second is on-the-budget price: it is easy to compare the prices of all sellers and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a reasonable choice. The third is this kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
habits will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
other economy sectors develop, such as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
private
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
' products those cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
in the racks in the malls or supermarkets; e-banking (internet banking) and even e-money (electric money).

Besides
, there
still
exist
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
limits of it: lack of exact items when receiving the products, the delay in delivery and the quality control in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
special
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
.
For example
, A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buys
a board game
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
in 3 days,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
receives playing cards after 7 days. The results
Possible spelling mistake found.
are
approximately one third
Possible spelling mistake found.
population
still
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to the high street shops and the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
much for years.

Although the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
opens the new technology in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
, they do not restrict new malls and supermarkets.
In contrast
, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
street shops may become an online
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "one"?
ones
for their profits.
After all
, that leads to the equal opportunity for both kinds of market and the buyers will be the most beneficial
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the competition of the economy.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay The recent popularity of online shopping will result in the end of high street shops. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
282 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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