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The proportion of British students at one university in England who were able to speak other languages in addition to English, 2000 and 2010. v.1

The proportion of British students at one university in England who were able to speak other languages in addition to English, 2000 and 2010. v. 1
Some people believe that advertisements lead people to buy the same products, and thus finally have the same look. Personally, I disagree with this notion, and in this essay I will discuss my reasons. Firstly, although advertising is a great power to affect people's general taste, there are many other factors that can influence people's decisions to buy different products. One of these factors is culture and traditions. For example, in Egypt, people in urban cities do not usually buy the same products, regarding clothes for instance, as those in the country. Moreover, another factor affecting this process is personal finances of individuals. To explain more, wealthy people generally opt to buy highly expensive products that keep them fashionable and elegant, which may not be affordable to the poor. Thus, eventually, people would never look the same at least in terms of these items. Secondly, nowadays advertising has been providing people with many choices to select from. Due to the high competence that is present among companies, we can notice the massive variation of products in the market. Most firms realize that if the products they are advertising were not characteristic and distinctive from others, they would have a great loss and would not be able to compete anymore. This is why people usually have many options regarding most products, which would reflect on the variation amongst people. In conclusion, I am convinced that advertisements would never cause people to have the same looks. On the contrary, I believe that they give people more options to choose from according to their different tastes and backgrounds.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that advertisements lead
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
, and
thus
finally
have the same look.
Personally
, I disagree with this notion, and in this essay I will discuss my reasons.

Firstly
, although advertising is a great power to affect
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's general taste, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other factors that can influence
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's decisions to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
. One of these factors is culture and traditions.
For example
, in Egypt,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in urban cities do not
usually
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
, regarding clothes
for instance
, as those in the country.
Moreover
, another factor affecting this process is personal finances of individuals. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
more, wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
generally
opt to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
highly
expensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them fashionable and elegant, which may not be affordable to the poor.
Thus
,
eventually
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would never look the same at least in terms of these items.

Secondly
, nowadays advertising has been providing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
choices to select from. Due to the high competence
that is
present among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
, we can notice the massive variation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
in the market. Most firms realize that if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
they are advertising were not characteristic and distinctive from others, they would have a great loss and would not be able to compete anymore. This is why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
usually
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
options regarding most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
, which would reflect on the variation
Do not mix variants of the same word ('amongst' and 'among') within a single text.
amongst
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In conclusion
, I
am convinced
that advertisements would never cause
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to have the same looks.
On the contrary
, I believe that they give
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
more options to choose from according to their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
tastes and backgrounds.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The proportion of British students at one university in England who were able to speak other languages in addition to English, 2000 and 2010. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
265 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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