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Some democrats claim that people who do not take part in voting processes do not have the right to complaint about the situation their communities are in. What is your position regarding this opinion? v.1

Some democrats claim that people who do not take part in voting processes do not have the right to complaint about the situation their communities are in. What is your position regarding this opinion? v. 1
In the past few years, the emergence of computer technology has undoubtedly revolutionized the method of storing information. While many people believe that spending money on the upkeep of public libraries is wasteful, I agree that equal amounts should be diverted to enhancing the computer capability and traditional libraries. From a technological perspective, allocating a portion of tax revenue for upgrading the computer can bring heaps of benefits. Firstly, the speed of latest technological devices like computers, tablets, and smart phones is incredibly fast, which makes a vast contribution to helping people to access digitized data almost instantly. Secondly, the endurance and longevity of the data are endless, as it is stored in the ”cloud”, another name for internet-based storage, allowing people to file books in their electronic gadgets without caring about them being wet or damaged. Last but not least, the most important characteristic of such data is its mobility. This offers book readers conveniences and feasibility to get access to their archive with only one-click of the mouse or one-touch of the screen However, I would argue that the significance of traditional libraries cannot be undervalued. The primary reason for this is they do provide a study environment for students. By this I mean they can have face-to-face interaction with each other, which meliorates their verbal communication skills, such as social interaction, public speaking, and relationship establishment. These skills people may not acquire in the online learning mode. Moreover, there is an array of data that has not yet been digitized and the only way to get access to them is going to the libraries. Also, those who find technological advancements hard to follow may seek to indulge in their favorite books lent by the public libraries. In conclusion, as I mentioned above, while the modern technology enables features like ease of use and access, traditional libraries provide an educational place for many students and citizens. Therefore, both should be maintained and upgraded to reap the benefits.
In the past few years, the emergence of computer technology has
undoubtedly
revolutionized the method of storing information. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that spending money on the upkeep of public libraries is wasteful, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that equal amounts should
be diverted
to enhancing the computer capability and traditional libraries.

From a technological perspective, allocating a portion of tax revenue for upgrading the computer can bring heaps of benefits.
Firstly
, the speed of
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
technological devices like computers, tablets, and smart phones is
incredibly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
a vast contribution to helping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
access
digitized
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
almost
instantly
.
Secondly
, the endurance and longevity of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
are endless, as it
is stored
in the
There should be a space after a closing quote.
”cloud
”, another name for internet-based storage, allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to file books in their electronic gadgets without caring about them being wet or damaged. Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least, the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
characteristic of such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
is its mobility.
Did you mean "these"?
This
offers book readers conveniences and feasibility to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
access
to their archive with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one-click of the mouse or one-touch of the screen

However
, I would argue that the significance of traditional libraries cannot
be undervalued
. The primary reason for this is they do provide a study environment for students. By this I mean they can have face-to-face interaction with each other, which meliorates their verbal communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, such as social interaction, public speaking, and relationship establishment. These
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may not acquire in the online learning mode.
Moreover
, there is an array of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
that has not
yet
been digitized
and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
access
to them is going to the libraries.
Also
, those who find technological advancements
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to follow may seek to indulge in their favorite books lent by the public libraries.

In conclusion
, as I mentioned above, while the modern technology enables features like
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
access
, traditional libraries provide an educational place for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
students and citizens.
Therefore
, both should
be maintained
and upgraded to reap the benefits.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some democrats claim that people who do not take part in voting processes do not have the right to complaint about the situation their communities are in. What is your position regarding this opinion? v. 1

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
329 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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