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The graph below show the types of music albums purchased by people in Britain according to sex and age. v.1

The graph below show the types of music albums purchased by people in Britain according to sex and age. v. 1
It is certainly true that an increasing number of cities in the world are experiencing traffic jams and this makes it tough for people to get to their destinations. In my opinion, this situation could have been caused by the fact that people are seeking a better quality of life in terms of work and facilities in the urban areas. I would suggest that the government should allow some companies to relocate to the regional areas to reduce the traffic in town. There are several reasons why heavy traffic is found in many metropolis areas. Firstly, many people travel to towns because there are better amenities - such as schools and hospitals - that provide better services which are mostly lacking in the rural areas. For example, most secondary and tertiary care hospitals in developing countries are located in the cities. As a result, many parents would rather travel there with their children to receive expert care. Secondly, there are a lot of employment opportunities that can attract young people to frequently move to towns. For instance, there is always heavy traffic in Lagos mainland in Nigeria, as many workers from the suburbs have to drive down to their offices every morning. For these reasons, daily travellers contribute to traffic congestion in those areas. However, the government can solve these issues by making jobs and better facilities available in the local communities. This means that they might have to make policies that will encourage industries to move to local communities. For example, the villages in China became developed after the Chinese banks offered loans to companies to build the infrastructures in those areas. Consequently, this strategy provided more jobs to the people, and the revenue was used to improve the structures there. In conclusion, the gridlock in the metropolitan areas is attributed to the large number of people that are migrating there to work and to patronize high quality facilities. Therefore, the government would have to improve the situation by providing better jobs and services such as medical care in the rural areas.
It is
certainly
true that an increasing number of cities in the world are experiencing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
jams and this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it tough for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to their destinations. In my opinion, this situation could have
been caused
by the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are seeking a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
quality of life in terms of work and facilities in the urban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
. I would suggest that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
to relocate to the regional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
in town.

There are several reasons why heavy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
is found
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
metropolis
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
travel to towns
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
amenities
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
such as schools and hospitals
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
that provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
services which are
mostly
lacking in the rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
.
For example
, most secondary and tertiary care hospitals in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing countries
are located
in the cities.
As a result
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents would
rather
travel there with their children to receive expert care.
Secondly
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
employment opportunities that can attract young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
frequently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
to towns.
For instance
, there is always heavy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
in Lagos mainland in Nigeria, as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
workers from the suburbs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
drive down to their offices every morning. For these reasons, daily
Possible spelling mistake found.
travellers
contribute to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
congestion in those areas.

However
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can solve these issues by making jobs and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
facilities available in the local communities. This means that they might
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
policies that will encourage industries to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
to local communities.
For example
, the villages in China became developed after the Chinese banks offered loans to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
to build the infrastructures in those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
.
Consequently
, this strategy provided more jobs to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, and the revenue was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the structures there.

In conclusion
, the gridlock in the metropolitan
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
is attributed
to the large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that are migrating there to work and to patronize high quality facilities.
Therefore
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
would
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the situation by providing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
jobs and services such as medical care in the rural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The graph below show the types of music albums purchased by people in Britain according to sex and age. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
343 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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