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‘It is the job of governments and companies to deal with the huge environmental problems which we face. Individuals on their own can do little or nothing’. What is your opinion about this statement? v.3

‘It is the job of governments and companies to deal with the huge environmental problems which we face. Individuals on their own can do little or nothing’. What is your opinion about this statement? v. 3
First of all, the reason why people continue to do unhealthy things is that they have too much stress such as the problem of working condition, family relationship and friendship. This means people may take illegal drugs invented by scientists who tend to have bad purposes. In addition, young people often suffer from this case as they may face different setbacks during their growth and friends between youth may try to attract them to take the drugs. Those are the reasons for some people keep doing unhealthy behaviours. Secondly, negative activities can earn lots of money is another reason for some people doing these activities such as selling drugs. Many people addicted to using drugs for release pressure, party excitement and medical treatment. Some people think to organise a market to sell drugs can earn money easily and there are obviously some people need them. Therefore, for the financial aspect, people rather risk themselves for survival than not stop doing bad activities. Finally, I think governments should manage those situations to decrease unhealthy activities which is a threat to people’s health. For example, the professional license needs to be held for someone who sells drugs and teaches them the right method of using it such as the maximum amount of using. Furthermore, giving a warning and apply a penalty for those of who selling drugs without a license and someone who overtaking it, or even sending them to jail if they addict on drugs seriously and provide a quitting drug lesson. In conclusion, although there are positive things in science, they still have some drawbacks, such as illegal activities. In my view, the government should produce some useful policy to avoid it continues happening.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the reason why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
continue to do unhealthy things is that they have too much
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
such as the problem of working condition, family relationship and friendship. This means
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may take illegal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
invented by scientists
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
tend to have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
purposes.
In addition
, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
suffer from this case as they may face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
setbacks during their growth and friends between youth may try to attract them to take the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
. Those are the reasons for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
doing unhealthy
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
.

Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
can earn lots of money is another reason for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
doing these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
such as selling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
addicted to using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
for release pressure, party excitement and medical treatment.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
to
Possible spelling mistake. 'organise' is British English.
organise
a market to sell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
can earn money
easily
and there are
obviously
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need them.
Therefore
, for the financial aspect,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
rather
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
themselves for survival than not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
doing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
activities.

Finally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should manage those situations to decrease unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
which is a threat to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
health.
For example
, the professional license needs to
be held
for someone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
sells
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
and teaches them the right method of using it such as the maximum amount of using.
Furthermore
, giving a warning and apply a penalty for those of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
selling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
without a license and someone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
overtaking it, or even sending them to jail if they addict on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
seriously
and provide a quitting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drug
lesson.

In conclusion
, although there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
things in science, they
still
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks, such as illegal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. In my view, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should produce
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
useful policy to avoid it continues happening.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay ‘It is the job of governments and companies to deal with the huge environmental problems which we face. Individuals on their own can do little or nothing’. What is your opinion about this statement? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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