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The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? v.8

The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. with this opinion? v. 8
It is true that women's position in the society has uplifted over the last two decades. Therefore, young children have been experiencing certain adolescent issues as many mothers are career-conscious and not available at all the times for their kids. However, I do not support this statement and will discuss it in the essay. First of all, it has become a necessity for both parents to work. This is because nowadays, it is expensive to provide good education and other facilities for the children, and the financial contribution of a woman makes the things easier. A survey conducted by a media organisation in India showed that rendering secondary education of 6 years to children in a private school costs approximately 4 lakh rupees, and it is challenging for an average income man to afford these expenses alone. This leaves no choice for the parents, but to earn more to make their children's life comfortable. Despite the need of additional income, mother's care cannot be ignored as it is equally important for the growth and development of kids. Nevertheless, the juvenile crime should not be linked with the job of their mothers because it is not necessary that the child of every working mother is a criminal, and a home-maker's child never involves in wrong deeds. For instance, Sachin Tendulkar and Mark Zuckerberg are the famous personalities whose mothers were not housewives, and yet they become successful in their respective careers. Consequently, it is an individual's own choice which path he/she wants to choose in the life. In conclusion, although mother's love and affection is vital for the young children, I believe that it is illogical to blame mothers for every single predicament of a child. An individual has his/her own perspective, therefore; he/she is responsible for their own actions.
It is true that women's position in the society has uplifted over the last two decades.
Therefore
, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have been experiencing certain adolescent issues as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
mothers are career-conscious and not available at all the times for their kids.
However
, I do not support this statement and will discuss it in the essay.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it has become a necessity for both parents to work. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
nowadays, it is expensive to provide
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
education and other facilities for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, and the financial contribution of a woman
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the things easier. A survey conducted by a media
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
in India
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that rendering secondary education of 6 years to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in a private school costs approximately 4 lakh rupees, and it is challenging for an average income
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
to afford these expenses alone. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leaves
no choice for the parents,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
to earn more to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their children's life comfortable.

Despite the need of additional income, mother's care cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
as it is
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for the growth and development of kids.
Nevertheless
, the juvenile crime should not
be linked
with the job of their mothers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is not necessary that the child of every working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mother
is a criminal, and a home-maker's child never involves in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
deeds.
For instance
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Sachin
Possible spelling mistake found.
Tendulkar
and Mark Zuckerberg are the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
personalities whose mothers were not housewives, and
yet
they become successful in their respective careers.
Consequently
, it is an individual's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
choice which path he/she wants to choose in the life.

In conclusion
, although mother's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and affection is vital for the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, I believe that it is illogical to blame mothers for every single predicament of a child. An individual has his/her
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
perspective,
therefore
; he/she is responsible for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
actions.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. with this opinion? v. 8

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
299 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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