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The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? v.9

The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. with this opinion? v. 9
In the past two decades, women empowerment enabled most of the women to join the work force in today’s labour market. Nowadays both men and women are having equal importance in recruitments and working in harmony. In my view, I totally agree that married women are no longer restricted to nursing their kids at home. Firstly, many women's welfare organizations were established to aid the female force to educate them and help them in securing a job to live independently. However, young people are no longer encouraging the traditional beliefs of women are restricted to home. For example, a recent survey reports that 80% of working women are returning to work after maternity leave. Needless to say, women are just for house caretakers is an old fashion and people are no longer continuing this trend. Secondly, another pivotal aspect is that some companies still hesitate to recruit female employees because they feel they easily change their mind and quit the jobs after marriage. Furthermore, lack of physical and mental stability like their counterparts is the advantage for men to dominate the labour force. For instance, Japanese employers do not recruit ladies because they believe they will leave the job after pregnancy. Hence, it depends on the perspective of individuals to think beyond. In conclusion, we can clearly understand that despite few pitfalls’ women are earning equally to men and reaching new heights in the market. Finally, women are free to independently think move and act according to their will and follow their passion.
In the past two decades,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
empowerment enabled most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
the work force in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
market. Nowadays both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are having equal importance in recruitments and working in harmony. In my view, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that married
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are no longer restricted to nursing their kids at home.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
women's welfare organizations
were established
to aid the female force to educate them and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them in securing a job to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
independently
.
However
, young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are no longer encouraging the traditional beliefs of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are restricted
to home.
For example
, a recent survey reports that 80% of working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are returning to work after maternity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
. Needless to say,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
caretakers is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
fashion and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are no longer continuing this trend.

Secondly
, another pivotal aspect is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
still
hesitate to recruit female employees
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they feel they
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their mind and quit the jobs after marriage.
Furthermore
, lack of physical and mental stability like their counterparts is the advantage for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
to dominate the
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
force.
For instance
, Japanese employers do not recruit ladies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they believe they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
the job after pregnancy.
Hence
, it depends on the perspective of individuals to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
beyond.

In conclusion
, we can
clearly
understand that despite few pitfalls’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are earning
equally
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and reaching new heights in the market.
Finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are free to
independently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
and act according to their will and follow their passion.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes

IELTS essay The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. with this opinion? v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
253 words
9
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 9.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 9.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 9.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 9.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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