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The plans below show the layout of a university’s sports centre now, and how it will look after redevelopment. v.2

The plans below show the layout of a university’s sports centre now, and how it will look after redevelopment. v. 2
Life is challenging. In order to be happy and successful, we need to prepare ourselves on many fronts. Although participating in enjoyable activities is always desirable, in my view it is also necessary at times to do things we do not enjoy. The bases for my view are personal, social and financial. Personally, doing things we don’t care for builds character and helps us mature. For instance, when parents have their first baby they are forced to give up their freedom in order to look after the child. There are times when parents barely get enough sleep and still have to get up and go to work in the morning. Similarly, when students are in school and university, they need to spend a lot of time studying. In spite of being tempted to go out with friends and attend parties, those who have self-control and keep their priorities straight are the ones who get high grades. Through such life experiences people become stronger, wiser and more responsible. From a social perspective, we live in an interdependent world which imposes its obligations on us. Each person belongs to diverse social groups and plays various social roles. Each of us has to attend birthday parties, weddings and funerals to show we care about our fellow human beings. Participating in events for the sake of others teaches us to go beyond our own selfish needs and to share in the joys and sorrows of others. Financially-speaking, people need to work - and spend - to keep the local, national and international economy growing. We need to support our own family in particular and our community in general. In fact, most of us work many more hours than we would like to work. What propels us to continue working is our financial needs, commitments and obligations. Only in this way are we able to live comfortable lifestyles and save for our retirement days. In conclusion, life places huge demands on us. By participating in a wide variety of activities, both pleasant and unpleasant, we can discover more about our unique selves and live fuller lives.
Life is challenging. In order to be happy and successful, we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to prepare ourselves on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
fronts. Although participating in enjoyable activities is always desirable, in my view it is
also
necessary at times to do things we do not enjoy. The bases for my view are personal,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
and financial.

Personally
, doing things we don’t care for builds character and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
us mature.
For instance
, when parents have their
first
baby they
are forced
to give up their freedom in order to look after the child. There are times when parents
barely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
sleep and
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
up and go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in the morning.
Similarly
, when students are in school and university, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
time studying.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
In spite of
being tempted
to go out with friends and attend parties, those who have self-control and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their priorities straight are the ones who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
high grades. Through such life experiences
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
become stronger, wiser and more responsible.

From a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
perspective, we
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in an interdependent world which imposes its obligations on us. Each person belongs to diverse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
groups and plays various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
roles. Each of us
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
attend birthday parties, weddings and funerals to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
we care about our fellow human beings. Participating in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
for the sake of others teaches us to go beyond our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
selfish
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
and to share in the joys and sorrows of others.

Financially
-speaking,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
and spend
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the local, national and international economy growing. We
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to support our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
family
in particular
and our community
in general
. In fact, most of us
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more hours than we would like to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. What propels us to continue working is our financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
, commitments and obligations.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
in this way are we able to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
comfortable lifestyles and save for our retirement days.

In conclusion
, life places huge demands on us. By participating in a wide variety of activities, both pleasant and unpleasant, we can discover more about our unique selves and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
fuller
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
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Virginia Woolf

IELTS essay The plans below show the layout of a university’s sports centre now, and how it will look after redevelopment. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
351 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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