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The pie graph below shows the results of a survey of children's activities. The first graph shows the cultural and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second graph shows the activities in which girls participate. v.1

The pie graph below shows the results of a survey of children's activities. The first graph shows the cultural and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second graph shows the activities in which girls participate. v. 1
To commence, long term work candidates of an administration have Gigantic profits so that they are entitled to request to participate in the task so that in future they can give something back to the society. It is important to Every individual who is not having power Jobs. The following essay will interpret the situations from both the aspects. The candidates who are currently doing long-term jobs has a delightful future because they receive much benefit from the authority. For example, free railway transportation will be provided for the railway employees and there is no job-risk as private jobs. It is fixed for a lengthy period of time. Furthermore, they have the opportunity of transferring their job and position to their children in case of death. Also, they have a good chance of referring to students in the form of loan guarantee who migrate for further Studies abroad. Now a days, to divulge, the ministry Employees are made to volunteer work in order to motivate the other people so that they can build their career in a good position in their respected countries. They have the chance of helping the poor people who are in need because they have astonishing salaries and have the pride of fulfilling the concerns raised by a particular community. In my opinion, many people of higher authorities, notwithstanding their work, they are trying in every aspect to help and participate intriguingly. They play a crucial role in every sector and department. To conclude, the government job-seekers Nonetheless Of their working and earning, they are jubilant to give their time in giving the best back something in Public. In future, the government delightfully aims for the development of the country.
To commence, long term work candidates of an administration have Gigantic profits
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they
are entitled
to request to participate in the task
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that in future they can give something back to the society. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to Every individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
is not having power
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Jobs
. The following essay will interpret the situations from both the aspects.

The candidates
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are
currently
doing long-term
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
has a delightful future
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they receive much benefit from the authority.

For example
, free railway transportation will
be provided
for the railway employees and there is no job-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
as private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
for a lengthy period of time.
Furthermore
, they have the opportunity of transferring their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
and position to their children in case of death.
Also
, they have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
chance of referring to students in the form of loan guarantee
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
migrate for
further
Studies abroad.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
a days, to divulge, the ministry Employees
are made
to volunteer work in order to motivate the other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can build their career in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
position in their respected countries. They have the chance of helping the poor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are in need
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have astonishing salaries and have the pride of fulfilling the concerns raised by a particular community.

In my opinion,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of higher authorities, notwithstanding their work, they are trying in every aspect to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
and participate
intriguingly
. They play a crucial role in every sector and department.

To conclude
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
job-seekers Nonetheless Of their working and earning, they are jubilant to give their time in giving the best back something in Public.
Did you mean: "In the future"?
In future
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
delightfully
aims for the development of the country.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The pie graph below shows the results of a survey of children's activities. The first graph shows the cultural and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second graph shows the activities in which girls participate. v. 1

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
284 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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