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The pie charts show the result of a survey of children’s activities. The first chart shows the cultural and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second chart shows the activities in which the girls participate. v.1

The pie charts show the result of a survey of children’s activities. The first chart shows the cultural and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second chart shows the activities in which the girls participate. v. 1
Environmental concerns are not the only problem countries around the world will be facing, but they will also be followed by education and population-related matters. Our country will face challenges in the manufacturing and energy sector apart from the above-mentioned issues. To overcome these upcoming travesties, we have to plan a robust process and change in government policies. This essay will discuss the problems in depth and suggest a possible solution. With the help of cheap labour and infrastructure, China's manufacturing division is growing by leaps and bounds. Bangladesh has the second position in the textile industries and it is growing by 10% each year. This is a big threat to the Indian manufacturing houses as it may not be able to compete with its neighbours. To exemplify, 30% of the multi-national corporations preferred to have a base in China as compared to India, as it has better infrastructure and logistical facilities. Additionally, the energy crises in India are ever-increasing, since the nuke deal with the United States contributes only 50% of the electricity requirement of the country. A shortage of power supply coupled with a deteriorating industry are the two main challenges for the next 10 years. To begin with, the government needs to form a planning committee to plan and strategise a 10 year plan, which will illustrate a robust model with all the policy changes required, to achieve our target of increased growth in these two departments. Furthermore, entrepreneurs need to be innovative in approach and find the path-breaking ideas to solve the energy and manufacturing crisis. For instance, States can introduce tax holidays for companies involved in producing renewable sources of power and also provide state-of-the-art infrastructure like China. In conclusion, many countries are facing difficulties in the areas of environment, education and population. Nevertheless, the energy and manufacturing industries are other areas of concern for the upcoming decade. However, this essay suggested that by encouraging businesses to innovate and the authorities to implement policy changes to support the cause only can we overcome the challenges.
Environmental concerns are not the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
problem
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
around the world will be facing,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they will
also
be followed
by education and population-related matters. Our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
will face challenges in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
manufacturing
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
energy
sector apart from the above-mentioned issues. To overcome these upcoming travesties, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
plan a robust process and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
policies. This essay will discuss the problems in depth and suggest a possible solution.

With the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
and infrastructure, China's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
manufacturing
division is growing by leaps and bounds. Bangladesh has the second position in the textile industries and it is growing by 10% each year. This is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
threat to the Indian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
manufacturing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
as it may not be able to compete with its
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbours' is British English.
neighbours
. To exemplify, 30% of the multi-national corporations preferred to have a base in China as compared to India, as it has better infrastructure and logistical facilities.
Additionally
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
energy
crises in India are ever-increasing, since the nuke deal with the United States contributes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
50% of the electricity requirement of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. A shortage of power supply coupled with a deteriorating industry are the two main challenges for the
next
10 years.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
needs to form a planning committee to plan and
Possible spelling mistake. 'strategise' is British English.
strategise
a
When a number forms part of an adjectival compound, use a hyphen: "10-year"
10 year
plan, which will illustrate a robust model with all the policy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
required, to achieve our target of increased growth in these two departments.
Furthermore
, entrepreneurs need to be innovative in approach and find the path-breaking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
to solve the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
energy
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
manufacturing
crisis.
For instance
, States can introduce tax holidays for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
involved in producing renewable sources of power and
also
provide state-of-the-art infrastructure like China.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are facing difficulties in the areas of environment, education and population.
Nevertheless
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
energy
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
manufacturing
industries are other areas of concern for the upcoming decade.
However
, this essay suggested that by encouraging businesses to innovate and the authorities to implement policy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
to support the cause
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
can we overcome the challenges.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The pie charts show the result of a survey of children’s activities. The first chart shows the cultural and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second chart shows the activities in which the girls participate. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
340 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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