Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

The pie diagrams show the extent of Australian optional school graduates who were jobless, utilized or seeking after further training, in 1980, 1990 and 2000. v.1

The pie diagrams show the extent of Australian optional school graduates who were jobless, utilized or seeking after further training, in 1980, 1990 and 2000. v. 1
Some people believe that sports people deserve higher salaries than other professionals. I think, on the contrary, this is not fair as there are other jobs which are more important to society and those should be paid bigger wages. In this essay, both views will be approached. Those who support that sports professionals should earn more money claim, in the first place, that they sacrifice their love and family life to grow professionally. Take, for example, the majority of football players do not have partners or families due to having to travel all the time. Another reason is that sports careers are short, maybe 20 years or less, therefore, high wages allow these professionals to save for the future when they will not able to play anymore. On the other hand, it is thought by many, that sports people should not have big wages. The first reason is that there is no need to study to be good at playing games, meanwhile, physicians and lawyers, for instance, study for over 10 years to get licenced and ready to practice. The second point is that sports are not essential for people's lives so money should not be wasted in these, but put into public services such as education and health. In conclusion, many agree that sports stars should earn more money than other professionals. In my opinion, however, this is unfair because there are careers that are essential for the society and for a person`s well-being, especially those related to public services. Therefore, these professions need to be encouraged with higher salaries given by the government.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
deserve higher salaries than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professionals
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
,
on the contrary
, this is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
as there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
jobs which are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to society and those should
be paid
bigger wages. In this essay, both views will
be approached
.

Those who support that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professionals
should earn more money claim, in the
first
place, that they sacrifice their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and family life to grow
professionally
. Take,
for example
, the majority of football players do not have partners or families due to having to travel all the time. Another reason is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
careers are short, maybe 20 years or less,
therefore
, high wages
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professionals
to save for the future when they will not able to play anymore.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
, that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
wages. The
first
reason is that there is no need to study to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at playing games, meanwhile, physicians and lawyers,
for instance
, study for over 10 years to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
Possible spelling mistake found.
licenced
and ready to practice. The second point is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are not essential for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
money should not
be wasted
in these,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
put into public services such as education and health.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
stars should earn more money than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
professionals
. In my opinion,
however
, this is unfair
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are careers that are essential for the society and for a
The character between 'person' and 's' is an accent character, not a standard apostrophe character. Use "person’s" (curly apostrophe) or "person's" (straight apostrophe).
person`s
well-being,
especially
those related to public services.
Therefore
, these professions need to
be encouraged
with higher salaries
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The pie diagrams show the extent of Australian optional school graduates who were jobless, utilized or seeking after further training, in 1980, 1990 and 2000. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
265 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts