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In spite of the advances made in agriculture many people around the world still go hungry Why is this the case What can be done about this problem v.1

In spite of the advances made in agriculture many people around the world still go hungry Why is this the case What can be done about this problem v. 1
These days, most of the people are living in urban areas because of the development of industries and organizations which gave career growth to the people. Also urban are mostly congested and people living in the apartment due to lack of space. It is important that the Government has to construct parks and sports facilities while planning for the new town. I completely agree on that and in the essay i will support my opinion with examples. Firstly, people in urban town they don't have a large space for their livelihood. It is more important to have common parks and sports facilities in a city. For example, many of the old development towns don't have proper park and sports facility they would not get good community around. As a result, the people could not able to socialize with other members in the same community. The second reason why I agree is, the value of the public park and sports stadium helps people to live more happily, stress free and physically strong. For instance, people are mostly spending time in the office and they could spend the spare time in parks with their beloved family that may help with relief from external stress. Children are the community will know each other and it will improve the bond between the people. In conclusion, I strongly believe that this will improve the livelihood of the people than people spend their additional time at the shopping mall. Personally, I think it is more important to construct the public park and sports facilities while planning for the new town.
These days, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are living in urban areas
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the development of industries and organizations which gave career growth to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
urban are
mostly
congested and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
living in the apartment due to lack of space. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
construct
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parks
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
facilities while planning for the new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
town
. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
on that and in the essay
Did you mean "I"?
i
will support my opinion with examples.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in urban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
town
they don't have a large space for their livelihood. It is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to have common
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parks
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
facilities in a city.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
development
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
towns
don't have proper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
park
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
facility they would not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
community around.
As a result
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could not able to socialize with other members in the same community.

The second reason why I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
is, the value of the public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
park
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
stadium
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
more
happily
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
free and
physically
strong.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
mostly
spending time in the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
office and
they could spend the spare time in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parks
with their beloved family that may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
with relief from external
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
. Children are the community will know each other and it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the bond between the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
believe that this will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the livelihood of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend their additional time at the shopping mall.
Personally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to construct the public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
park
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
facilities while planning for the new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
town
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay In spite of the advances made in agriculture many people around the world still go hungry Why is this the case What can be done about this problem v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
264 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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