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The pie charts show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013. v.1

The pie charts show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013. v. 1
Parents cast an important role in carving the future of their pupil. They are not only responsible for his up-bringing, but as well as shaping him into a kind hearted person. In the recent years, there has been an argument on the achievement of a man as an adult is mainly dependent on the way he was treated by his parents during his teenage years. From my perspective, I strongly believe that parents are partly or fully responsible for the milestone's achieved in life by their children. Parents always consider their children as a kid, no matter how old he grows. This is mainly because of the love and affection towards them. Parents sacrifice a lot of things in order to build a safe and a bright future for their children. From teaching them how to behave with elders to making them responsible, parents play an important part. In addition, they also teach them how to tackle problems in various phases of life without giving up on them. For instance, if their child is upset over some reason, they will always enquire about it and show him the ways to get out of it. However, due to bad influences, there have been many cases of children deflecting from their paths and ending up as a failure. Having said this, you cannot judge the parents of an unsuccessful kid and question their up bringing towards him. They have always tried to give their child the best treatment they could. In contrast, if he has failed in the exam of life does not make his parents responsible for the failure. For example, Orphan kids have also turned out to be successful in life. This outweighs the fact that bringing up by parents if wholly responsible for the success in life. To sum up, every parent want their children to achieve something big in life and grow up to be a successful person. Judging the failure of one's life depending upon the way he was nurtured by his parents is completely a false way of accusing someone. Questioning the up bringing of parents should be not be a topic to argue with.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
cast an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in carving the future of their pupil. They are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsible
for his up-bringing,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
as well
as shaping him into a
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
kind hearted
person. In the recent years, there has been an argument on the achievement of a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
as an adult is
mainly
dependent on the way he
was treated
by his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
during his teenage years. From my perspective, I
strongly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are partly or
fully
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsible
for the milestone's achieved in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
by their children.

Parents always consider their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as a kid, no matter how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
he grows. This is
mainly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
and affection towards them.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
sacrifice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
things in order to build a safe and a bright future for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. From teaching them how to behave with elders to making them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsible
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part.
In addition
, they
also
teach them how to tackle problems in various phases of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
without giving up on them.
For instance
, if their child
is upset
over
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reason, they will always
Possible spelling mistake. 'enquire' is British English.
enquire
about it and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
him the ways to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
out of it.

However
, due to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
influences, there have been
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
deflecting from their paths and ending up as a failure. Having said this, you cannot judge the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
of an unsuccessful kid and question their up bringing towards him. They have always tried to give their child the best treatment they could.
In contrast
, if he has failed in the exam of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsible
for the failure.
For example
, Orphan kids have
also
turned out to be successful in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. This outweighs the fact that bringing up by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
if wholly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsible
for the success in life.

To sum up, every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
want their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to achieve something
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and grow up to be a successful person. Judging the failure of one's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
depending upon the way he
was nurtured
by his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
is completely a false way of accusing someone. Questioning the up bringing of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should be not
Consider using a past participle here: "been".
be
a topic to argue with.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The pie charts show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
359 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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