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The pie charts beloww show units of electricity production by fuel source in Australia and France in 1980 and 2000. v.1

The pie charts beloww show units of electricity production by fuel source in Australia and France in 1980 and 2000. v. 1
It is the fact that famous sport players are paid with extremely high salary worldwide. Some people support this; while, others believe it is unfair for other professionals in the contemporary societies. I personally agree with the former. The essay will discuss both views and presents my own opinion as well. To begin with, firstly, sport celebrities should be paid with huge salary because it takes a long journey for them to become famous globally. The majority of them start their training in their early childhood and left their families behind them. They went through the tough process which ordinary citizens are unable to tolerate. Secondly, they convey the optimistic spirit, become role models and take leadership responsibilities in our communities.  Last but not the least, they are hired by magnates which make extremely large profit from sports events; therefore, they should be rewarded well as well. However, others believe that sports celebrities should not be pain such a huge amount of money for their jobs. Firstly, they believe that sports professionals only provide entertainment to our lives.  The role of this professional in our societies may not be necessary as compared with other professionals, such as nurses, teachers, policemen, and so on. Without the latter's contribution, our societies won't function properly and won't provide harmonious living environments for citizens. Therefore, they may advocate that the latter occupations should deserve high payment. In my opinion, I support that it is fair for famous sports players to receive extremely high salaries because the above reasons. For example, renowned retired Olympic athlete, Jingjing Guo, has become a significant character in China, even around the world, because she becomes the icon for many females and encourage them to pursue their dreams in the reality.  Therefore, it is fair for her to make huge profit when she are invited to play in some commercial advertisements.
It is the fact that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
players
are paid
with 
extremely
high salary worldwide.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
support this; while, others believe it is unfair for other professionals in the contemporary societies. I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the former. The essay will discuss both views and presents my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
opinion
as well
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
celebrities should
be paid
with huge salary
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
 it takes a long journey for them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
globally. The majority of them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their training in their early childhood and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
their families behind them. They went through the tough process which ordinary citizens are unable to tolerate.
Secondly
, they convey the optimistic spirit,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
role models and take leadership responsibilities in our communities.  Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not the least, they
are hired
by magnates which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
extremely
large profit from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
;
therefore
, they should
be rewarded
well
as well
.

However
, others believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
celebrities should not be pain such a huge amount of money for their jobs.
Firstly
, they believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
professionals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
provide entertainment to our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.  The role of this professional in our societies may not be necessary as compared with other professionals, such as nurses, teachers, policemen, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. Without the latter's contribution, our societies won't function
properly
and won't provide harmonious living environments for citizens.
Therefore
, they may advocate that the latter occupations should deserve high payment.

In my opinion, I support that it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
players to receive
extremely
high salaries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the above reasons.
For example
, renowned retired Olympic athlete,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Jingjing
Possible spelling mistake found.
Guo
, has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
a significant character in China, even around the world,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
she
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
becomes
the icon for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
females and encourage them to pursue their dreams in the reality.  
Therefore
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
for her to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
huge profit when she
Use third-person verb with 'she': "is" or "was".
are
invited to play in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
commercial advertisements.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The pie charts beloww show units of electricity production by fuel source in Australia and France in 1980 and 2000. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
300 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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