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the pie chart below show units of electricity production by fuel source in australia and france in 1980 and 2000. v.1

the pie chart below show units of electricity production by fuel source in australia and france in 1980 and 2000. v. 1
One of the things that most people are concerned about is the increase in life expectancy due to the quick improvement in medical care facilities. I agree that while this is seen as something advantageous by some people, in my opinion, far from being good, I believe it can lead to a real society’s problem. Firstly, one of the main problems resulting from long life expectancy is the lack of economic resources for everyone. Nowadays, thanks to the health facilities we have, a lot of people live much longer than years ago. In some developed countries, where the amount of medical resources and health facilities is higher, and within reach everyone who needs it, the person's expectancy life is of around 90 years, a very high number compared to the past, when people did not live much longer than 70 years. However, if people live longer it means they need more medical care and for instance, more money is needed in order to preserve their health. On the other hand, I think that there’s a moral and ethical problem as well. Despite a lot of old people is in a good health condition, there’s a part of them that has medical problems due to their old age. In these cases, it might suppose a major problem, not only for the patient, but also for his/her family, which has to take care and look after her/him. In conclusion, I think that despite health improvements and medical care are useful and necessary in a lot of people and different situations, the advantages from these can be sometimes overweight for the disadvantages.
One of the things that most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are concerned
about is the increase in life expectancy due to the quick improvement in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
facilities. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that while this is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
as something advantageous by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, in my opinion, far from being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
, I believe it can lead to a real society’s problem.

Firstly
, one of the main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
resulting from long life expectancy is the lack of economic resources for everyone. Nowadays, thanks to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
facilities we have,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
much longer than years ago. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
, where the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
resources and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
facilities is higher, and within reach everyone who needs it, the person's expectancy life is of around 90 years, a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
high number compared to the past, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
did not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
much longer than 70 years.
However
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
longer it means they need more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
and
for instance
, more money
is needed
in order to preserve their health.

On the other hand
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that there’s a moral and ethical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
as well
. Despite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
condition, there’s a part of them that has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
due to their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age. In these cases, it might suppose a major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for the patient,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
for his/her family, which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
and look after her/him.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that despite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
improvements and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
care
are useful and necessary in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
situations, the advantages from these can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
overweight for the disadvantages.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
It is astonishing how much enjoyment one can get out of a language that one understands imperfectly.
Basil Lanneau Gildersleeve

IELTS essay the pie chart below show units of electricity production by fuel source in australia and france in 1980 and 2000. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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