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Do you agree or disagree? It is more important to keep your old friend than it is to make new friend. v.52

It is more important to keep your old friend than it is to make new friend. v. 52
Nowadays, there is no a doubt that advertising is becoming increasingly popular. Advertising is everywhere around us and no one can avoid it. Although some people think that it is a beneficial part of our lives, others believe that it is a drawback. This essay will discuss why it is beneficial, because people can earn money despite of the drawback of wasting time. As well as, provide evidence as to why advertising is more beneficial, which is my opinion. Many people can get a lot of money from advertising. It gives the chance for many entrepreneurs to start their small businesses. Furthermore, it provides plenty of job offers. For instance, the Harvard university research has concluded that most of famous companies currently earn most of their cash from advertising. For these reasons, advertising is a crucial for the economy. Advertising leads to a detrimental effect, as it waste many times. Although many people earn lots of dollars from it, others lose most of their daily time watching it. This advertising is very attractive, so many people are setting in front of it instead of doing their duties. If everyone keen on watching advertising, the will unfortunately lose their time. In fact, the last Harvard university research has concluded that 20% of people eventually spend 50% of their lives watching advertising. Therefore, advertising has many dramatic effects on people's lives. In conclusion, whether or not, advertising is an argumentative issue. All human beings are surrounded by it. Moreover, it is an unavoidable part of everyone's life. While some people think that is an advantage, others say that it is a disadvantage. From my point of view, the benefits of advertising outweigh the drawbacks.
Nowadays, there is
Did you mean "now" (=at this moment) instead of 'no' (negation)?
no
a doubt that advertising is becoming
increasingly
popular.

Advertising is everywhere around us and no one can avoid it. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is a beneficial part of our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, others believe that it is a drawback. This essay will discuss why it is beneficial,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can earn money
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
the drawback of wasting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
As well
as, provide evidence as to why advertising is more beneficial, which is my opinion.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money from advertising. It gives the chance for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
entrepreneurs to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
businesses.
Furthermore
, it provides
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of job offers.
For instance
, the
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Harvard university
research has concluded that most of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
currently
earn most of their cash from advertising. For these reasons, advertising is a crucial for the economy.

Advertising leads to a detrimental effect, as it waste
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
earn lots of dollars from it, others lose most of their daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
watching it. This advertising is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
attractive,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are setting in front of it
instead
of doing their duties. If everyone keen on watching advertising,
Did you mean "they", "that" or "there"?
the
will unfortunately lose their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. In fact, the last
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Harvard university
research has concluded that 20% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
eventually
spend 50% of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
watching advertising.
Therefore
, advertising has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
dramatic effects on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

In conclusion
,
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
, advertising is an argumentative issue. All human beings
are surrounded
by it.
Moreover
, it is an unavoidable part of everyone's life. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that is
an advantage, others say that it is a disadvantage. From my point of view, the benefits of advertising outweigh the drawbacks.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay It is more important to keep your old friend than it is to make new friend. v. 52

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
282 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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