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The pie charts below sahow the comparison of differnet kinds of energy production of france in two years v.1

The pie charts below sahow the comparison of differnet kinds of energy production of france in two years v. 1
With the advent of technology and devices based on it, gaming today has become a well groomed part of every individual across the world. But in case of children, it is thought by parents that it contributes less in gaining knowledge and more towards ruining their child. In my opinion, yes, I believe that gaming can lead to severe mental and physical illness. Also, its after effects can be dangerous. But with proper control and measures, it can help in the mental development of a child. To start with, computer games can not only cause side effects to a person’s brain, but it may also hamper physical health and can lead them to dangers, knowingly or unknowingly. These games are generally addictive, because of which players are no longer interested in doing anything else. The prolonged gaming sessions which they indulge into, causes severe eye burning and sometimes leads to mental exertion. Consequently, it makes them obese and affects their circulatory system. In some cases, they have even proven to be deadly. To illustrate, Players Under battle Ground (PUBG), an online gaming platform has had a hazardous impact on a youngster when he had a heart attack while playing the game, as a result of not able to complete the mission. Eventually, he died, leaving a question in front of society that should these games be allowed to continue or is it better to ban them. Coming to the positive part, the immense benefit of practical gaming is crucial for a person’s mental development in today’s competitive environment. If controlled and monitored, these games can play a vital role in developing cognitive abilities within a child at a very young age. In other words, it enables them to learn things in a practical manner and it opens their mind with the influx of data, which they may not grasp through books. This, in turn, makes them smarter than the rest of their competitors and helps in logical explanation of things. To exemplify, a recent research by Oxford University in a local government school revealed that pupils who were allowed to play computer games had better results in mathematics quiz when compared to those who were not allowed or had little interest in playing them. To conclude, the gaming industry has been a pain from a parent’s point of view as they perceive it to cause a deteriorating effect on their child’s health. But, with corrective measures these games can do wonders for their child. We need to understand that gaming is meant to be fun and should be allowed by guardians as a leisure activity for their offspring as it helps to increase their mental capabilities and prepare them for their future in a more meaningful way.
With the advent of technology and devices based on it,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gaming
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
has become a well groomed part of every individual across the world.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
in case of children, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
by parents that it contributes less in gaining knowledge and more towards ruining their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
. In my opinion, yes, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gaming
can lead to severe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mental
and physical illness.
Also
,
Did you mean "it's" (="it is") instead of 'its' (possessive pronoun)?
its
after effects can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
with proper control and measures, it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mental
development of a child.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with, computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
cause side effects to a person’s brain,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it may
also
hamper physical health and can lead them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
,
knowingly
or
unknowingly
. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are
generally
addictive,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of which players are no longer interested in doing anything else. The prolonged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gaming
sessions which they indulge into, causes severe eye burning and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
leads to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mental
exertion.
Consequently
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them obese and affects their circulatory system. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases, they have even proven to be deadly. To illustrate, Players Under battle Ground (PUBG), an online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gaming
platform has had a hazardous impact on a youngster when he had a heart attack while playing the game,
as a result
of not able to complete the mission.
Eventually
, he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
, leaving a question in front of society that should these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
allowed
to continue or is it better to ban them.

Coming to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
part, the immense benefit of practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gaming
is crucial for a person’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mental
development in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s competitive environment. If controlled and monitored, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can play a vital role in developing cognitive abilities within a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
at a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
young age.
In other words
, it enables them to learn things
Consider replacing "in a practical manner" with the adverb for "practical"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a practical manner
and it opens their mind with the influx of data, which they may not grasp through books. This, in turn,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them smarter than the rest of their competitors and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
in logical explanation of things. To exemplify, a recent research by Oxford University in a local
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
school revealed that pupils who were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
allowed
to play computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
had better results in mathematics quiz when compared to those who were not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
allowed
or had
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
interest in playing them.

To conclude
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gaming
industry has been a pain from a parent’s point of view as they perceive it to cause a deteriorating effect on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child’s
health.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, with corrective measures these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can do wonders for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
. We need to understand that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gaming
is meant
to be fun and should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
allowed
by guardians as a leisure activity for their offspring as it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to increase their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mental
capabilities and prepare them for their future in a more meaningful way.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay The pie charts below sahow the comparison of differnet kinds of energy production of france in two years v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
457 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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