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The pie graphs below show the comparison of different kinds of energy production of France in two years. pie comparison v.1

The pie graphs below show the comparison of different kinds of energy production of France in two years. pie comparison v. 1
It is true that several people put extra effort into study and work than others. Generally speaking, people may have different reasons to work harder. I believe that some of us has no choice, but prioritize educational and professional life. For example, if you come from a family which has no financial condition to pay your studies or even provide the basics, in fact, as a human being you would try to find a job opportunity. In this case being employed would allow you to help your family and also pay your studies. Furthermore, if you start working hard at an early age, and then go to university your chances of succeeding are most probably higher. On the other hand working hard and not having time for yourself is not a positive thing for our lives. Firstly, it is true that working hard can bring many advantages, such as increasing your knowledge, promotion opportunity, and a better salary. However, in other words, over working without any limit can create negative consequences on a daily basis, together with health issues, affecting your wellbeing and stress level. Secondly, you may not have enough time to spend with your beloved ones, giving the impression that the most essential matter is your job and nothing else. In reality, it is very important to know how to manage time, not forgetting how important your health, peace of mind and your family is. Finally, employers tend to take advantage of their employees, knowing that they would do anything to keep their occupation, working extra hours, going out of their way doing anything that the job requires expecting for a promotion or a salary increase. As a result, sometimes you may feel disappointed for all the dedication given. In conclusion, while some people work and study harder than others without a choice. As a matter of fact, it is important to keep balance between personal and professional life, setting up limits to not affect anyone around us as any other area of our lives.
It is true that several
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
put extra effort into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
and work than others.

Generally
speaking,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
may have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
reasons to work harder. I believe that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of us has no choice,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
prioritize educational and professional life.
For example
, if you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from a family which has no financial condition to pay your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
or even provide the basics, in fact, as a human being you would try to find a job opportunity.
In this case
being employed
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
you to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
your family and
also
pay your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
.
Furthermore
, if you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
at an early age, and then go to university your chances of succeeding are most
probably
higher.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
and not having time for yourself is not a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
thing for our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Firstly
, it is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
can bring
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages, such as increasing your knowledge, promotion opportunity, and a better salary.
However
, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
without any limit can create
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
consequences on a daily basis, together with health issues, affecting your
Possible spelling mistake found.
wellbeing
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
level.
Secondly
, you may not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time to spend with your beloved ones, giving the impression that the most essential matter is your job and nothing else. In reality, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to know how to manage time, not forgetting how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
your health, peace of mind and your family is.
Finally
, employers tend to take advantage of their employees, knowing that they would do anything to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their occupation,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
extra hours, going out of their way doing anything that the job requires expecting for a promotion or a salary increase.
As a result
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
you may feel disappointed for all the dedication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
.

In conclusion
, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
work and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
harder than others without a choice.

As a matter of fact, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
balance between personal and professional life, setting up limits to not affect anyone around us as any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
area of our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The pie graphs below show the comparison of different kinds of energy production of France in two years. pie comparison v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
337 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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