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the pie charts below give information about household expenditure of an average US family in different years v.1

the pie charts below give information about household expenditure of an average US family in different years v. 1
It is argued that children should be given more knowledge about health and wellness in schools. This essay completely agrees with that statement because children follow all the rules and regulations of the school and schools can provide all the necessary information to students of the same age group at the same time. Firstly, students abide by the rules of the school. This is because they are afraid to face the punishment they may get if they do not follow the rules. Because of this, most of the students remain sincere and do what they are told to do. If children are provided with the information and are given certain tasks to perform at school to enhance their health and wellness than they would do them as they would be afraid to be disciplined. For example, according to a survey conducted by The Hindustan Times on school-going children, it was found that 90 % students do their homework as they are scared of being punished. Additionally, children of the same age group can be provided with information related to health and wellness together as they will be in the same class. Owing to the increase in depression and less knowledge about menstruation in teenage girls, it is necessary to educate them about this. For example, as a part of government initiative in India, only girls studying in 8th standard of a government school were given education about menstruation. In conclusion, schools should provide students with information related to their health and happiness as they are fearful to be punished and education which can be provided to specific age groups can be delivered easily.
It
is argued
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
more knowledge about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and wellness in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
. This essay completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
with that statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
follow all the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
and regulations of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
can provide all the necessary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
of the same age group at the same time.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
abide by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are afraid to face the punishment they may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
if they do not follow the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
.
Because of this
, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
remain sincere and do what they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
to do. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are provided
with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
and are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
certain tasks to perform at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
to enhance their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and wellness than they would do them as they would be afraid to
be disciplined
.
For example
, according to a survey conducted by The Hindustan Times on school-going
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, it
was found
that 90 %
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
do their homework as they
are scared
of
being punished
.

Additionally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
of the same age group can
be provided
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
related to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and wellness together as they will be in the same
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
. Owing to the increase in depression and less knowledge about menstruation in teenage girls, it is necessary to educate them about this.
For example
, as a part of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
initiative in India,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
girls studying in 8th standard of a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
education about menstruation.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
related to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and happiness as they are fearful to
be punished
and education which can
be provided
to specific age groups can
be delivered
easily
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay the pie charts below give information about household expenditure of an average US family in different years v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
273 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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