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The pie chart below show units of electricity production in Australia and France in 1980 and 2000 Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant v.1

The pie chart below show units of electricity production in Australia and France in 1980 and 2000
It is often thought that a few people give a huge amount of wealth on their wedding day. Furthermore, some of them believe that there is no need to spend a lot of money on this day. In my point of view, I totally agree with this. First of all, it is a day that won't come back. The reason for this is that it is only celebrated once in a marriage life, which makes it so special. For example, a lot of people do everything to make this time, so memorising by hiring a huge hall and make it well decorated. All in all, a lot will be done to represent this time so perfectly. Secondly, the money can spend on something else. The reason for this is that it is more a day to celebrate it with the family, whether you want to do it small of huge. On top of that, more and more people are still complaining that the day wasn't that organised. For example, a lot of family members will gossip about the menu and the decoration. All in all, you can't make everybody happy and that's why it is better to spend the wealth on items that are more beneficial for your life. To conclude, some of the pay a large amount for their wedding with the thought that this day won't come back. Although, others think that this is unnecessary, because a huge amount of people will not be happy on the day.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
give a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
huge
amount of wealth on their wedding day.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them believe that there is no need to spend a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of money on this day. In my point of view, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is a day that won't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
back.
The reason for this is
that it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
celebrated once in a marriage life, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
special.
For example
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do everything to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
this time,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
Possible spelling mistake. 'memorising' is British English.
memorising
by hiring a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
huge
hall and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
it well decorated. All in all, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
will
be done
to represent this time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
perfectly
.

Secondly
, the money can spend on something else.
The reason for this is
that it is more a day to celebrate it with the family, whether you want to do it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
huge
.
On top of that
, more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
still
complaining that the day wasn't that
Possible spelling mistake. 'organised' is British English.
organised
.
For example
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lot
of family members will gossip about the menu and the decoration. All in all, you can't
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
everybody happy and that's why it is better to spend the wealth on items that are more beneficial for your life.

To conclude
,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
pay a large amount for their wedding with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that this day won't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
back. Although, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that this is unnecessary,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
huge
amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will not be happy on the day.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Learn everything you can, anytime you can, from anyone you can; there will always come a time when you will be grateful you did.
Sarah Caldwell

IELTS essay The pie chart below show units of electricity production in Australia and France in 1980 and 2000

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
250 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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