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The personal and work-related challenges that young people face today are not very different from the challenges their parents and grandparents faced in the past v.1

The personal and work-related challenges that young people face today are not very different from the challenges their parents and grandparents faced in the past v. 1
Whether motivating kids for challenging extra curricular activities is more beneficial or collaborating with other people has more advantages, has been discussed. In my opinion, both competitive sports and co-operating with people around plays a vital role in development of one's personality. On the one hand, there are numerous benefits of children participating in sports. First and foremost merit is that this is very important for a healthy lifestyle in today's time. This is because, kids nowadays are more into playing online games which entice them to stay home. As a result, they become lazy, unfit and, thus lead a sedentary life. Furthermore, encouraging children to take part in outdoor games will not only benefit their health, but they can also opt it as a career as they grow old. Consequently, this can gain them national and international recognition. On the other hand, working with different people has countless advantages for an individual's well being. That is to say, it not only develops social skills, but also inculcates other soft skills as well. Collaborating with different people gives a deep insight of their life and experiences which can be used for personal benefits. Moreover, socialising creates connection with different people, which can be useful to get future jobs. For example, a recent survey on the job market in West revealed that majority of the people who got the job were referred by their friends To conclude, while people may have varied opinions, I strongly believe that outdoor activities and collaboration has equal benefits. While it is important for children to participate in different games in order to stay healthy and fit, it is also very significant for them to meet, socialise and work with different kind of people due to its obvious benefits.
Whether motivating kids for challenging
This word is normally spelled as one.
extra curricular
activities is more beneficial or collaborating with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
has
more advantages, has
been discussed
. In my opinion, both competitive sports and co-operating with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around plays a vital role in development of one's personality.

On the one hand, there are numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
of children participating in sports.
First
and foremost merit is that this is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for a healthy lifestyle in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's time. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, kids nowadays are more into playing online games which entice them to stay home.
As a result
, they become lazy, unfit and,
thus
lead a sedentary life.
Furthermore
, encouraging children to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in outdoor games will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefit
their health,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they can
also
opt it as a career as they grow
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.
Consequently
, this can gain them national and international recognition.

On the other hand
, working with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
has
countless advantages for an individual's
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well being
.
That is
to say, it not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
develops social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
inculcates other soft
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
as well
. Collaborating with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
gives
a deep insight of their life and experiences which can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
.
Moreover
,
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialising' is British English.
socialising
creates connection with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, which can be useful to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
future jobs.
For example
, a recent survey on the job market in West revealed that majority of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
the job
were referred
by their
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
friends


To conclude
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may have varied opinions, I
strongly
believe that outdoor activities and collaboration has equal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
. While it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for children to participate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
games in order to stay healthy and fit, it is
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
significant for them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
,
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialise' is British English.
socialise
and work with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
due to its obvious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay The personal and work-related challenges that young people face today are not very different from the challenges their parents and grandparents faced in the past v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
293 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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