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Many animals are becoming extinct because of human activities. Why is this happening and what should be done to prevent this? v.1

Many animals are becoming extinct because of human activities. Why is this happening and what should be done to prevent this? v. 1
These days a sedentary lifestyle is becoming more and more popular despite a big number of sport facilities. This essay will discuss the main problems associated with this epidemic and propose some possible solutions to avoid them. The main problems caused by inactive routine are obesity and various spine disorders. A growing number of body research shows that long periods of physical inactivity raise a risk of becoming overweight. This is because people burn fewer calories and easily gain weight. What’s more, a lot of studies show that so-called ‘sitting disease’ often results in posture and backbone problems. Due to the constant sitting, the person loses muscle tissue and curves spine, developing numerous spinal diseases. For example, it has been proven that about 80% of people experience backache at least once a week. In my opinion, the best solution to these problems is promoting an active lifestyle. Firstly, millions of people stay less active because they use cars instead of walking. Therefore, an effective way to make people more active is to advertise walking and cycling as safe and attractive alternatives to motorized transport. Moreover, inactive lifestyle is gaining popularity because nowadays a lot of people prefer passive rest to workouts in the gym. And the best way to avoid the hazards of unhealthy living is to obtain a regular dose of physical activity. Thus, promoting gyms and regular exercising would increase the level of activity. In conclusion, leading a sedentary way of living causes a lot of health problems, including obesity and spinal diseases. The most effective solution is to increase the level of fitness among the society by advertising physical activity.
These days a sedentary lifestyle is becoming more and more popular despite a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
number of sport facilities. This essay will discuss the main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
associated with this epidemic and propose
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
possible solutions to avoid them.

The main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
caused by inactive routine are obesity and various spine disorders. A growing number of body research
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that long periods of physical inactivity raise a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of becoming overweight. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
burn fewer calories and
easily
gain weight. What’s more,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
studies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
-called ‘sitting disease’
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
results in posture and backbone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
. Due to the constant sitting, the person loses muscle tissue and curves spine, developing numerous spinal diseases.
For example
, it has
been proven
that about 80% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
experience backache at least once a week.

In my opinion, the best solution to these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
is promoting an active lifestyle.
Firstly
, millions of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
stay less active
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
cars
instead
of walking.
Therefore
, an effective way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
more active is to advertise walking and cycling as safe and attractive alternatives to motorized transport.
Moreover
, inactive lifestyle is gaining popularity
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
nowadays
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer passive rest to workouts in the gym. And the best way to avoid the hazards of unhealthy living is to obtain a regular dose of physical activity.
Thus
, promoting gyms and regular exercising would increase the level of activity.

In conclusion
, leading a sedentary way of living causes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
, including obesity and spinal diseases. The most effective solution is to increase the level of fitness among the society by advertising physical activity.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
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IELTS essay Many animals are becoming extinct because of human activities. Why is this happening and what should be done to prevent this? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
273 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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