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The percentage of overweightchildren in western society has increased by almost 20 in the last 10 years Discuss the cause and effect of this v.1

The percentage of overweightchildren in western society has increased by almost 20 in the last 10 years Discuss the cause and effect of this v. 1
Some young people think that the order for going out after a limited moment without guarding by adults is imposed in some are of the American. This is the good ruling to millennium by the local authority which can be accepted by their parents. On the one hand, it is the best barrier to the teenagers from going to clubs and bar which can pose to them misbehaviour having a friend with gangsters. Thus I totally accept this curfew. A law which is sometime should be submitted to local people if required to rule the district should be released by local police, as I think, that is protecting their soul. Rule of the law should be maintained by the not only authority, but also regional folks, then they can live without disturb with anyone. Crime rates are mostly high in night time then day time, thus parents should obey the law which is ruling that not to let their child to go out without their assistance. Most of the cocaine trader search their buyer in the night time when they usually target the young people around the club and bar area. Tender who has not controlled by their parents may contact those who threaten their life addicting heroine, which can be buy and sell easily as those in darkness area. Even thought parents are not spare time to look after their children who want to go out at night should request to assist by their relative. In conclusion, let the young people alone in a night time is like imposing them to the danger that can even their life threaten by darkness side people, thus parents have responsible to obey the local curfew.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the order for going out after a limited moment without guarding by adults
is imposed
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
are of the American. This is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
ruling to millennium by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
authority which can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. On the one hand, it is the best barrier to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
from going to clubs and bar which can pose to them
Possible spelling mistake. 'misbehaviour' is British English.
misbehaviour
having a friend with gangsters.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
I
totally
accept this curfew.

A law which is sometime should
be submitted
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
if required to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
the district should
be released
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
police, as I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
,
that is
protecting their soul.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Rule
of the law should
be maintained
by the not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
authority,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
regional folks, then they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
without disturb with anyone. Crime rates are
mostly
high in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
night
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
then day
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
,
thus
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should obey the law which is ruling that not to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
their child to go out without their assistance.

Most of the cocaine trader search their buyer in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
night
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
when they
usually
target the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
around the club and bar area. Tender who has not controlled by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
may contact those who threaten their life addicting
Possibly confused word: Did you mean "heroin" (= highly addictive narcotic) instead of 'heroine' (= the chief female character; a woman admired for great deeds)?
heroine
, which can be
Consider using a past participle here: "bought".
buy
and sell
easily
as those in darkness area. Even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are not spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to look after their children who want to go out at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
night
should request to assist by their relative.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
alone in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
night
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is like imposing them to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
that can even their life threaten by darkness side
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
thus
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have responsible to obey the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
curfew.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
I love commuting between languages just like I love commuting between cultures and cities.
Elif Safak

IELTS essay The percentage of overweightchildren in western society has increased by almost 20 in the last 10 years Discuss the cause and effect of this v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
283 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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