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The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend. v.18

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend. v. 18
Undoubtedly, the percentage of overweight children has risen by 20 percent in western society. There are several causes which played a role in this. Also, there are a number of effects of being overweight. This essay will briefly discuss the main reasons and provide some consequences of these problems. For a start, the obvious cause for increasing in children’s weight is unhealthy feed. For instance, this food (such as pizza, chips or soft drinks) has a high amount of calories, fat and sugar. Besides, in western countries, on nearly every high street there are many fast food stores such as KFC, Burger King or Pizza Hut. They have been growing excessively and attracting children’s attention because of their advertisements. So, overeating of such food would increase the child’s weight. Moreover, children do not give time to participate in outdoor activities instead of watching TV or playing computer games which lead sedentary lifestyles/ a sedentary lifestyle and they will become overweight. Added to this, there are 3 main negative effects of increasing children’s overweight. Firstly, they may catch some diseases such as high blood pressure and diabetes. It becomes commonly in the young age and threatens the later life of obese children. Secondly, these children can be bullied at school by others, which may effect on their mental health like stress, insomnia or depression. Besides, in young children, obesity can affect the bone system, typically the O-shaped leg condition. This proves us that being obese could lead to a lot or negative effects. In conclusion, lack of exercise and unhealthy food led to increase obesity in children, especially in western countries. They may influence the development of children. So, society should diminish this problem to prevent it from deteriorating further.
Undoubtedly
, the percentage of overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
has risen by 20 percent in western society. There are several causes which played a role in this.
Also
, there are a number of effects of being overweight. This essay will
briefly
discuss the main reasons and provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
consequences of these problems.

For a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
, the obvious cause for increasing in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
weight is unhealthy feed.
For instance
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
(such as pizza, chips or soft drinks) has a high amount of calories,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
and sugar.
Besides
, in western countries, on
nearly
every high street there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
stores such as KFC, Burger King or Pizza Hut. They have been growing
excessively
and attracting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
attention
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their advertisements.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, overeating of such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
would increase the child’s weight.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
do not give time to participate in outdoor activities
instead
of watching TV or playing computer games which lead sedentary lifestyles/ a sedentary
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
lifestyle and
they will become overweight.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Added
to this, there are 3 main
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects of increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
overweight.
Firstly
, they may catch
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
diseases such as high blood pressure and diabetes. It becomes
commonly
in the young age and threatens the later life of obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Secondly
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
be bullied
at school by others, which may
Did you mean "affect"?
effect
on their mental health like
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
, insomnia or depression.
Besides
, in young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, obesity can affect the bone system,
typically
the O-shaped leg condition. This proves us that being obese could lead to a lot or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects.

In conclusion
, lack of exercise and unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
led to increase obesity in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
especially
in western countries. They may influence the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, society should diminish this problem to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
it from deteriorating
further
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages knows nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend. v. 18

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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