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The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend and offer a solution. v.12

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend and offer a solution. v. 12
In the high tech era, the dispute of overweight has become very common serious in all over the world. The proportion of obese kids in the western community has increased by approximately one fifth in the last decade. There are enough of reasons, the influence of this an alarming matter trend and some solution which I will put light on this matter in the upcoming paragraphs. There are many reasons of overweight toddlers. Firstly, we know that, life has become very faster than in the past. Technology has made many gadgets using for children, such as smart phones, computer, laptop and many more. Children spend time in front of these equipments. Because of this, the interest of children has declined in physical activities, so children feel overweight. Apart from it, fast foods are gaining popularity in many nations. The kind of fast food is a major cause of overweight in kids. To cite an example, fast bread is cheaper as well as available in all over the world. Those parents, who work outside away from their children, they have no time to prepare cuisine at home for their children. Therefore, they give money to their children for eating food outside. Which is unhealthy for children. Due to this phenomenon, children are overweight than last year's. There are some negative effects to children becoming overweight. First of all, children may catch some disease. Like diabetes, hard dilemma, which was used to be uncommonly in young age. Secondly, according to the medical sciences, fat children have a low immunity. For example, they can be the first one's to the catch cold or fever when the weather changes. Therefore, it goes without saying that gave gaining weight can lead to several health problems. There are certain solution how can we solve this subject of overweight children. First and foremost step is that, both parents and teachers are responsible for this obstacle, because they can encourage in their children to reduce the opacity. Like as parents can set their time using mobile and TV and they can also encourage their children to participate in outdoor games which will be very beneficial to reduce over weight in children's life. Another solution is that, it is also made responsibility of children, as they should eat healthy foodstuff for their body. They should never feed unhealthy meal like fast fare. If they stop eating unhealthy meat, this way will be very beneficial for them. So these are solutions to this they can reduce their weight. To conclude, it is fact that overweight children are a major public health concern in the Western society. However if parents, teacher and the government make a concerted effort this complication can be tackled effectively.
In the high tech era, the dispute of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
has become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
common serious in all over the world. The proportion of obese kids in the western community has increased by approximately one fifth in the last decade. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
of reasons, the influence of this an alarming matter trend and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solution
which I will put light on this matter in the upcoming paragraphs.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
toddlers.
Firstly
, we know that, life has become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
faster than in the past. Technology has made
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
gadgets using for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, such as smart phones, computer, laptop and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
spend time in front of these equipments.
Because of this
, the interest of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
has declined in physical activities,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
feel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
. Apart from it,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
foods are gaining popularity in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
nations. The kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
food is a major cause of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
in kids. To cite an example,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
bread is cheaper
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
well as available in all over the world. Those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, who work outside away from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, they have no time to prepare cuisine at home for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Therefore
, they give money to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
for eating food outside. Which is unhealthy for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Due to this phenomenon,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
Use "(overweight)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
overweight
than last year's.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
becoming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may catch
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disease. Like diabetes,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
dilemma, which was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be
uncommonly
in young age.
Secondly
, according to the medical sciences,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have a low immunity.
For example
, they can be the
first
one's to the catch
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cold
or fever when the weather
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
.
Therefore
, it goes without saying that gave gaining weight can lead to several health problems.

There are certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solution
how can we solve this subject of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
First
and foremost step is that, both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and teachers are responsible for this obstacle,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can encourage in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the opacity. Like as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can set their time using mobile and
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
TV and
they can
also
encourage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to participate in outdoor games which will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
beneficial to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
over weight in children's life. Another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solution
is that, it is
also
made responsibility of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, as they should eat healthy foodstuff for their body. They should never feed unhealthy meal like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
fare. If they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
eating unhealthy meat, this way will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
beneficial for them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
these are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solutions
to this they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
their weight.

To conclude
, it is fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are a major public health concern in the Western society.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, teacher and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a concerted effort this complication can
be tackled
effectively
.
17Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
37Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend and offer a solution. v. 12

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
453 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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