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The only way to improve the safety on our own road is to have stricter punishment for driving offenders. v.2

The only way to improve the safety on our own road is to have stricter punishment for driving offenders. v. 2
Recently, a great number of accidents on the road have caused by the careless drivers. Some people think that giving stricter punishment is the answer to tackling the driving offender problems, however, I disagree that it is the only way. First and foremost, even the best rules have been established and imposed it would be useless if drivers have no self-conscious in following the driving law. For example, there are harsh punishments when we are driving while drinking, but in the reality considerable road accidents caused by drunk driver still exist. Thus, the main focus of this issue is all about the awareness as a driver, not just concerning on the punishment. In addition, a government could help to improve the safety on the road by broadcasting the background knowledge of how important it is to drive prudently. It could increase drivers' conscious about the danger that could happen only because breaking simple policy, such as the driver might take someone's life with passing the traffic light. Then, the socialisation program is probably given in the process of making their driving license card to ensure every driver would receive the information. Furthermore, the private companies, such as IT companies and transport mode companies, could collaborate with the government to create a "Smart Transportation Mode". The new software will be attached in a car or a bike which is able to detect the speed limit of the vehicle and the level of the alcohol in driver's body and stops when it reaches a certain limit. The other possibility is that the software will turn off the car's or bike's machine if it is too close to other kinds of transportation modes or other things. Hence, one of the road accidents like a crash a can be prevented. In conclusion, giving the tighten punishment is a brilliant idea, however, I believe there are still other excellent thoughts to boost the safety on the road.
Recently, a great number of accidents on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
road
have caused by the careless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drivers
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that giving stricter punishment is the answer to tackling the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
driving
offender problems,
however
, I disagree that it is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
way.

First
and foremost, even the best
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
have
been established
and imposed it would be useless if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drivers
have no self-conscious in following the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
driving
law.
For example
, there are harsh punishments when we are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
driving
while drinking,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in the reality considerable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
road
accidents caused by drunk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
driver
still
exist.
Thus
, the main focus of this issue is all about the awareness as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
driver
, not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
concerning on the punishment.

In addition
, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the safety on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
road
by broadcasting the background knowledge of how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
it is to drive
prudently
. It could increase drivers' conscious about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
that could happen
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
breaking simple policy, such as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
driver
might take someone's life with passing the traffic light. Then, the
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialisation' is British English.
socialisation
program is
probably
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
in the process of making their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
driving
license card to ensure every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
driver
would receive the information.

Furthermore
, the private
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
, such as IT
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and transport mode
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
, could collaborate with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to create a
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
Smart Transportation Mode
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
. The new software will
be attached
in a car or a bike which is able to detect the speed limit of the vehicle and the level of the alcohol in driver's body and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stops
when it reaches a certain limit. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
possibility is that the software will turn off the car's or bike's machine if it is too close to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
kinds of transportation modes or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
things.
Hence
, one of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
road
accidents like a crash a can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
.

In conclusion
, giving
After 'the', do not use a verb. Make sure that the spelling of 'tighten' is correct. If 'tighten' is the first word in a compound adjective, use a hyphen between the two words. Note: This error message can occur if you use a verb as a noun, and the word is not a noun in standard English.
the tighten
punishment is a brilliant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
,
however
, I believe there are
still
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
excellent thoughts to boost the safety on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
road
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
You live a new life for every new language you speak. If you know only one language, you live only once.
Czech Proverb

IELTS essay The only way to improve the safety on our own road is to have stricter punishment for driving offenders. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
322 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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