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Some people say that education system is the only critical factor to the development of a country. v.2

Some people say that education system is the only critical factor to the development of a country. v. 2
Nowadays, many people give much more focus on how to create the better education system in order to ensure the country's development. A majority of people believe that the education system is the only essential method for that, however, I do disagree with that statement. First and foremost, even the best education system could be useless if many people still live in the poor condition. They have to work hard to continue their life consequently they prefer avoiding the education because time spent in schools could be used to earn money. Subsequently, the education system will not increase significantly like the prediction of the people. If a country fails to ensure enough job opportunities, an educated future generation will make much more problems than predicted since neither will they get involved in works like irrigation nor will be able to manage a suitable job. Furthermore, development of a country would probably be achieved slightly by tackling the urgent factors like famine and health care issues. Those factors are more crucial than the education system. The excellent intelligence which we have gotten through education will be of no importance if we are in unhealthy.   Nutrition, sports facilities and vocational training are thus more important in this scenario. Developed countries like the USA, the UK, Australia, Canada, and Japan have more educated citizens than that of underdeveloped countries. However, they can nowadays ensure proper education system only because they had been able to ensure basic human needs properly first. Countries like Sri Lanka and many others have higher education rate than many developed countries and yet they failed to become affluent nations.   Thus, before people go too far to focus on th education system, they should have covered all of the fundamentals first. In conclusion, education system, no doubt, is a very important factor for the overall development of a nation but this is not the only factor for the development. Many other important aspects must be considered and implemented for the real development in a county.
Nowadays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
give much more focus on how to create the better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
in order to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ensure
the country's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
. A majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
essential method for that,
however
, I do disagree with that statement.

First
and foremost, even the best
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
could be useless if
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
still
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in the poor condition. They
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to continue their life
consequently
they prefer avoiding the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
time spent in schools could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to earn money.
Subsequently
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
will not increase
significantly
like the prediction of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. If a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
fails to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ensure
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
job opportunities, an educated future generation will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
much more problems than predicted since neither will they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved in works like irrigation nor will be able to manage a suitable job.

Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
would
probably
be achieved
slightly
by tackling the urgent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
like famine and health care issues. Those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
are more crucial than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
. The excellent intelligence which we have gotten through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
will be of no importance if we are in unhealthy.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
Nutrition, sports facilities and vocational training are
thus
more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in this scenario.

Developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
like the USA, the UK, Australia, Canada, and Japan have more educated citizens than that of underdeveloped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
However
, they can nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ensure
proper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they had been able to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ensure
basic human needs
properly
first
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Countries
like Sri Lanka and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
others have higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
rate than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
developed
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
countries and
yet
they failed to become affluent nations.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
Thus
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
go too far to focus on
Possible spelling mistake found.
th
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
, they should have covered
Consider using "all the".
all of the
fundamentals
first
.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
system
, no doubt, is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
for the
overall
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
of a nation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this is not the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
aspects
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be considered
and implemented for the real
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
in a county.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
43Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that education system is the only critical factor to the development of a country. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
337 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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