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The obesity rates among teenagers have increased dramatically in many developed countries. Discuss some possible reasons for this increase and suggest solutions. v.1

The obesity rates among teenagers have increased dramatically in many developed countries. Discuss some possible reasons for this increase and suggest solutions. v. 1
Nowadays, obesity is becoming more and more common in children than adults, which has alarming effects on the community worldwide. This essay will discuss the causes and effects of obesity and what is the way that government can do as well as the families. To begin with, obesity is one of the serious issues among the youngsters in western countries. The main reasons are, most of the children do not want to eat homemade foods, usually they prefer to eat trash foods, especially pizza, hamburgers, fries and soft drinks, these junk foods contain a high rate of calories, sugar and fats which lead to many diseases such heart related, diabetes, cancer and many more. In addition, most of the children are not participating in physical activities and they usually spend their time in watching televisions, playing computer games and chatting with friends on Facebook and twitter. All these are the causes of obesity and sometimes it lead to dangerous illnesses. Moreover, this is the responsibilities of the parents to keep an eye on their children and make them stop from eating junk foods and also encourage them to participate in physical activities for instance, playing football, hockey, basketball and swimming. So, these physical activities will help them in fitness and also prevent them from many illnesses. To sum up, obesity is one of the debatable issues in recent times, the parents and government should need to stand up for this and motivate the children for physical exercise and stop them from eating junk foods.
Nowadays, obesity is becoming more and more common in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
than adults, which has alarming effects on the community worldwide. This essay will discuss the causes and effects of obesity and what is the way that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can do
as well
as the families.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, obesity is one of the serious issues among the youngsters in western countries. The main reasons are, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
do not want to eat homemade
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
,
usually
they prefer to eat trash
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
,
especially
pizza, hamburgers, fries and soft drinks, these junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
contain a high rate of calories, sugar and fats which lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
diseases such heart related, diabetes, cancer and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more.

In addition
, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are not participating in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
activities and
they
usually
spend their time in watching televisions, playing computer games and chatting with friends on Facebook and twitter. All these are the causes of obesity and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
it
Did you mean "leads"?
lead
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
illnesses.

Moreover
, this is the responsibilities of the parents to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
an eye on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
from eating junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
and
also
encourage them to participate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activities
for instance
, playing football, hockey, basketball and swimming.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activities will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them in fitness and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
them from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
illnesses.

To sum up, obesity is one of the debatable issues in recent times, the parents and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should need to stand up for this and motivate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
exercise and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
them from eating junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay The obesity rates among teenagers have increased dramatically in many developed countries. Discuss some possible reasons for this increase and suggest solutions. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
254 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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