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The obesity rate among teenagers has increased dramatically in many developed countries. Discuss some possible reasons for this increase and suggestions. v.2

The obesity rate among teenagers has increased dramatically in many developed countries. Discuss some possible reasons for this increase and suggestions. v. 2
The rate of obese teens is rising every year, especially in various developed countries due to the consumption of junk foods and a sedentary lifestyle. The issue is becoming a problem not just in the family but also in the community. So, this should be given importance so that teenagers will not suffer the consequences of being overweight. Firstly, one of the reasons that teenagers are becoming obese because of the availability of cheap fast food that sometimes is addictive especially for this age group. Sometimes it is overlooked by parents and the youngsters are having difficulty to understand the possible effects of gaining extra weight that can possibly lead to illnesses. The guidance and support of parents play a vital role so that they will be taught on what foods should be avoided and they should inculcate on their brain the importance of eating fruits and vegetables instead of processed food. For instance, teenagers that are attending classes, parents should healthy meals that will be brought at school so that they will not be tempted to buy from any fast food chains. Moreover, another major reason that teenagers are prone to obesity because of a sedentary lifestyle in which they prefer video games and television instead of doing outdoor games. A recent study by " The Times" found out that 80% of teenagers preferred playing video games with their friends instead of playing in the park. Due to this kind of passive activities, chances are their bodies will not be active because they are just sitting in the couch and their metabolism will be slower, hence, higher chances of gaining extra weight will be evident. This time, community organization should provide fun learning activities that will involve the presence of youths that are fond of playing gadgets. For instance, during summertime, they should conduct seminars regarding proper nutrition and that should have exciting games so that teens will not get bored and at the same time they will be knowledgeable about the essence of keeping fit to avoid obesity. In this way, they will also understand that being obese will not just have an adverse effect on their physical appearance but also will affect their mental, emotional, and psychological aspect. In conclusion, gaining weight is not supposed to be a problem if it will not double the ideal body weight of a teenager. However, in order to prevent this to happen, proper guidance from parents and concern citizens in the community should be transparent always so that this age group will always consider the consequences of being obese.
The rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
teens is rising every year,
especially
in various
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
due to the consumption of junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
and a sedentary lifestyle. The issue is becoming a problem not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
in the family
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
in the community.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, this should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
importance
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
will not suffer the consequences of being overweight.

Firstly
, one of the reasons that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
are becoming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the availability of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
is addictive
especially
for this age group.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
it
is overlooked
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and the youngsters are having difficulty to understand the possible effects of gaining extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
that can
possibly
lead to illnesses. The guidance and support of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
play a vital role
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they will
be taught
on what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
should be
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
avoided and
they should inculcate on their brain the importance of eating fruits and vegetables
instead
of processed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
that are attending classes,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
The word 'healthy' is a noun or an adjective. A verb is missing or misspelled, or maybe a comma is missing.
should healthy
meals that will
be brought
at school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they will not
be tempted
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
from any
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
chains.

Moreover
, another major reason that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
are prone to obesity
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of a sedentary lifestyle in which they prefer video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and television
instead
of doing outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. A recent study by
Possible spelling mistake found.
&quot
; The
Possible spelling mistake found.
Times&quot
; found out that 80% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
preferred playing video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
with their friends
instead
of playing in the park. Due to this kind of passive activities, chances are their bodies will not be active
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
sitting in the couch and their metabolism will be slower,
hence
, higher chances of gaining extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
will be evident. This time, community organization should provide fun learning activities that will involve the presence of youths that are fond of playing gadgets.
For instance
, during
Consider using "summer".
summertime
, they should conduct seminars regarding proper nutrition and that should have exciting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that teens will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
bored and at the same time they will be knowledgeable about the essence of keeping fit to avoid obesity. In this way, they will
also
understand that being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
will not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
have an adverse effect on their physical appearance
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
will affect their mental, emotional, and psychological aspect.

In conclusion
, gaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
is not supposed to be a problem if it will not double the ideal body
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenager
.
However
, in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
this to happen, proper guidance from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and concern citizens in the community should be transparent always
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that this age group will always consider the consequences of being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
obese
.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay The obesity rate among teenagers has increased dramatically in many developed countries. Discuss some possible reasons for this increase and suggestions. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
429 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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