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The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems due to being overweight is increasing. What is the reason for the growth in overweight people in society? How can this problem be solved? v.7

The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems due to being overweight is increasing. What is the reason for the growth in overweight people in society? How can this problem be solved? v. 7
With the advancement of technology, risk of serious health problems among young generation is also increasing. Although, medical treatment for every possible disease is possible now, but the main reason is a change in the lifestyle of the people. This trend can be ascribed to a number of reasons and it must be addressed by definite actions which we will discuss in the following paragraphs. Firstly, the main reason of obesity among new generation is a lack of physical activity. Children these days are too sensitive, resulting even parents consider safety and protection for them. Also, in schools Co curricular activities are not considered important for academic knowledge. Secondly, change in the lifestyles of people and food habits. For example, over dependence on fast and packed foods because of their busy lives. People don't have time to cook homemade food and ordering food from outside seems better option. Different kind of cuisines and menu items tempt people to try these oily and extremely fatty foods. Thirdly, food adulteration is increasing day by day. According to the latest survey 2019, an increase in the use of pesticides and insecticides had gone up by 10%. Food adulteration is an extremely harmful for everyone and result in life threatening diseases such as Cancer, infections and many more. Finally, lack of physical activity among large section of people. Availability of different modes of the transport eclipsed the habit of walking among people and as the standard of living increases in the country, people can afford more helpers to serve them. For example, housewives these days do not have to work more, as they have helpers for all their work. To conclude, youngsters should join hands to conduct various exercise workshops. One should prefer walking wherever they think it's possible to go by walk. This way we can help our economy in pollution control also. Eating healthy should be the new trend among everyone and it is widely held belief that "Health is Wealth" and we should invest in our health.
With the advancement of technology,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of serious health problems among young generation is
also
increasing. Although, medical treatment for every possible disease is possible
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the main reason is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in the lifestyle of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. This trend can
be ascribed
to a number of reasons and it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be addressed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
definite
actions which we will discuss in the following paragraphs.

Firstly
, the main reason of obesity among new generation is a lack of physical activity. Children these days are too sensitive, resulting even parents consider safety and protection for them.
Also
, in schools Co curricular activities are not considered
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for academic knowledge.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in the lifestyles of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
habits.
For example
, over dependence on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
and packed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their busy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
don't have time to cook homemade
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and ordering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
from outside seems better option.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Different
kind of cuisines and menu items tempt
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to try these oily and
extremely
fatty foods.

Thirdly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
adulteration is increasing day by day. According to the latest survey 2019, an increase in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of pesticides and insecticides had gone up by 10%.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Food
adulteration is an
extremely
harmful for everyone and result in life threatening diseases such as Cancer, infections and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more.
Finally
, lack of physical activity among large section of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Availability of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
modes of the transport eclipsed the habit of walking among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and as the standard of living increases in the country,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can afford more helpers to serve them.
For example
, housewives these days do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work more, as they have helpers for all their work.

To conclude
, youngsters should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
hands to conduct various exercise workshops. One should prefer walking wherever they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it's possible to go by walk. This way we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
our economy in pollution control
also
. Eating healthy should be the new trend among everyone and it is
widely
held belief that
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
Health is Wealth
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
and we should invest in our health.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems due to being overweight is increasing. What is the reason for the growth in overweight people in society? How can this problem be solved? v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
336 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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