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The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems due to being overweight is increasing. What is the reason for the growth in overweight people in society? How can this problem be solved? v.4

The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems due to being overweight is increasing. What is the reason for the growth in overweight people in society? How can this problem be solved? v. 4
In this day and age, a lot of people are suffering from the serious diseases like cardiovascular disease or hypertension due to being overweight. There are some reasons behind this. And I will discuss some of them in the following paragraph and try to give some solution as well. To my way of thinking, lack of physical activity in daily routine is a principle reason for the excessive weight. Currently, many people and especially young people are very sedentary. They just fix their eyes on smartphones, laptops or watching television. . . Some people, because of the work, have to sit still. This makes it impossible for the body to burn calories. Additionally, unbalanced diet also increases the weight dramatically. Teens and young children enjoy fast food, milk tea, other high-calorie foods, and eat less vegetables and fruits. By this way, people are getting overweight. Besides, regular physical exercise can reduce the possibility of getting overweight related issues. For instance, build an active lifestyle such as doing housework, walking, cycling, exercising to burn calories, can help you lose weight and effectively prevent obesity. You can also practice yoga, gym or aerobics. Moreover, balanced and healthy diet can control the weight. You should build yourself a diet, nutritious, but low calories: taking plenty of fruits and vegetables in the diet and avoid fast food like pizza, burger or soft drinks as much as possible. In conclusion, overweight is a serious problem. But it can be possible to avoid by doing exercise regularly and taking healthy food.
In this day and age,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are suffering from the serious diseases like cardiovascular disease or hypertension due to being overweight. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons behind this. And I will discuss
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them in the following paragraph and try to give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solution
as well
.

To my way of thinking, lack of physical activity in daily routine is a
Did you mean "principal" (=main)?
principle
reason for the excessive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
.
Currently
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
especially
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
sedentary. They
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fix
their eyes on smartphones, laptops or watching television.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the work,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
sit
still
. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it impossible for the body to burn calories.
Additionally
, unbalanced diet
also
increases the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
dramatically
. Teens and young children enjoy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, milk tea, other high-calorie
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
, and eat
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun vegetables is countable.
less
vegetables and fruits. By this way,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are getting overweight.

Besides
, regular physical exercise can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the possibility of getting overweight related issues.
For instance
, build an active lifestyle such as doing housework, walking, cycling, exercising to burn calories, can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
you lose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
and
effectively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
obesity. You can
also
practice yoga, gym or aerobics.
Moreover
, balanced and healthy diet can control the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
. You should build yourself a diet, nutritious,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
low calories: taking
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of fruits and vegetables in the diet and avoid
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
like pizza, burger or soft drinks as much as possible.

In conclusion
, overweight is a serious problem.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
it can be possible to avoid by doing exercise
regularly
and taking healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems due to being overweight is increasing. What is the reason for the growth in overweight people in society? How can this problem be solved? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
255 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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