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The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems due to being overweight is increasing. What is the reason for the growth in overweight people in society? How can this problem be solved? v.1

The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems due to being overweight is increasing. What is the reason for the growth in overweight people in society? How can this problem be solved? v. 1
Indeed, obesity is the main concern for alarming health issues among the individuals. While there are various reasons for gaining weight, it can be tackled if few changes are made in our daily routine. There are several reasons for the increase of obese people in the general public. Firstly, due to irregular working hours and abnormal sleeping habits, there is no room for any physical activity among people. As per the recent survey published in New York Times, the people who are working long hours are the one’s prone to dreadful health conditions due to obesity. Secondly, there is no tab on the food habits as crave for junk food has tremendously increased because of which the health conditions are deteriorating. Finally, the rapid development of technology has made the masses lazy as everything is available on their finger tips. Subsequently, the mass weight grows abruptly. The aforementioned problems can be conquered by inheriting few stringent habits n our daily life. If we start our day with a brisk walk or if we exercise daily, then the risk of stroke or diabetes can be curbed. Besides, performing yoga or aerobics will keep us fit. People should avoid junk food and start including healthy food in their diet. Also, there are various readily applications available to monitor our diet using which we can have control on it. Apart from that, maintaining proper work timings and adequate sleep would make our mind and soul stronger. Seen in this light, the serious health issues can be addressed. In conclusion, although there are various causes for gaining obesity among people, the fear of health diseases can be overcome by taking precautions seriously.
Indeed
, obesity is the main concern for alarming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
issues among the individuals. While there are various reasons for gaining weight, it can
be tackled
if few
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
are made
in our daily routine.

There are several reasons for the increase of obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the
Consider using "public".
general public
.
Firstly
, due to irregular working hours and abnormal sleeping habits, there is no room for any physical activity among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. As per the recent survey published in New York Times, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are working long hours are the one’s prone to dreadful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
conditions due to obesity.
Secondly
, there is no tab on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
habits as crave for junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
has
tremendously
increased
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of which the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
conditions are deteriorating.
Finally
, the rapid development of technology has made the masses lazy as everything is available on their finger tips.
Subsequently
, the mass weight grows
abruptly
.

The aforementioned problems can
be conquered
by inheriting few stringent habits n our daily life. If we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
our day with a brisk walk or if we exercise daily, then the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of stroke or diabetes can
be curbed
.
Besides
, performing yoga or aerobics will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
us fit.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
should avoid junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
including healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
in their diet.
Also
, there are various
readily
applications available to monitor our diet using which we can have control on it. Apart from that, maintaining proper work timings and adequate sleep would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
our mind and soul stronger.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Seen
in this light, the serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
issues can
be addressed
.

In conclusion
, although there are various causes for gaining obesity among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, the fear of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
diseases can
be overcome
by taking precautions
seriously
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems due to being overweight is increasing. What is the reason for the growth in overweight people in society? How can this problem be solved? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
278 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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