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the number of people are at risk at serious health problem is only because of overweight. what is the reason and how it can be solved? v.1

the number of people are at risk at serious health problem is only because of overweight. what is the reason and how it can be solved? v. 1
An increasing number of people are facing various health related problems due to obesity problem. This is because of unhealthy eating habits and adaption of sedentary lifestyle, however, this problem can be lowered by some efforts taken by the government by spreading awareness of the healthy lifestyle and individuals by involving themselves into physical activities. One of the main reasons as to public facing overweight issues is their consumption of unhealthy food. With the establishment of multiple fast-food chains, people prefer to buy outside food as it is cheap and available at every place. For example, many young people often eat burgers or pizza at McDonalds and dominos. Additionally, people are not performing any exercises or playing sports these days due to their busy living and adapting sedentary lifestyle, subsequently, in weight gain. To put it simply, working people choose to watch television once they are back at home. As a result, most people face threating problems such as cardiac or diabetes which is harmful and may even led to dead. However, obese people can control this dreadful events by involving themselves in eating more health food namely home cooked food and salads. Also, taking some efforts in doing some exercise, sports or any physical activities which can help them reduce their weight. Not only this, government can also play a significant role in eradicating this epidemic by promoting the benefits of living a healthy life and spreading awareness of risk involved in being overweight and obesity problems through their campaigns. Moreover, higher tax should be imposed on fast-fast restaurants. By doing this, food of such restaurants will be sold at higher price eventually less consumption by the people. In conclusion, obesity problem is leading people to increasing health problems leading to threating to their life, however, it can be controlled by eating healthy food, involvement in physical exercises and the government promoting and spreading awareness by their campaign. Also, imposing higher tax to the fast-food chains as people will buy less food outside and cook frequently at home.
An increasing number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are facing various health related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
due to obesity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of unhealthy eating habits and adaption of sedentary lifestyle,
however
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
can
be lowered
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
efforts taken by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
by spreading awareness of the healthy lifestyle and individuals by involving themselves into physical activities.

One of the main reasons as to public facing overweight issues is their consumption of unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. With the establishment of multiple
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-food chains,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
outside
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
as it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
and available at every place.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
eat burgers or pizza at
Did you mean the fast food chain "McDonald's" (always spelled with a possessive apostrophe)?
McDonalds
and
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "dominoes", the plural form of the noun 'domino'?
dominos
.
Additionally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not performing any exercises or playing sports these days due to their busy living and adapting sedentary lifestyle,
subsequently
, in weight gain. To put it
simply
, working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
choose to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
television once they are back at home.
As a result
, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
face
Possible spelling mistake found.
threating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
such as cardiac or diabetes which is harmful and may even
The verb 'may' requires the base form of the verb: "lead"
led
to dead.

However
, obese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can control this dreadful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
by involving themselves in eating more health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
namely
home cooked
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and salads.
Also
, taking
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
efforts in doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
exercise, sports or any physical activities which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
their weight. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
this,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can
also
play a significant role in eradicating this epidemic by promoting the benefits of living a healthy life and spreading awareness of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
involved in being overweight and obesity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
through their campaigns.
Moreover
, higher tax should
be imposed
on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
restaurants. By doing this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
of such restaurants will
be sold
at higher price
eventually
less consumption by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In conclusion
, obesity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is leading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to increasing health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
leading to
Possible spelling mistake found.
threating
to their life,
however
, it can
be controlled
by eating healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, involvement in physical exercises and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
promoting and spreading awareness by their campaign.
Also
, imposing higher tax to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-food chains as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
outside and cook
frequently
at home.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay the number of people are at risk at serious health problem is only because of overweight. what is the reason and how it can be solved? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
339 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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