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Nowadays, some celebrities such as film stars, sportsmen and pop musicians are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which jobs should be highly paid? v.1

Nowadays, some celebrities such as film stars, sportsmen and pop musicians are paid too much money. Which jobs should be highly paid? v. 1
The high income of celebs in the field of sports and entertainment has always been a controversial issue. I firmly agree that they are getting high remuneration for what they are doing and I believe that it is not justified to give them extravagant money for their work. In the following paragraphs, I shall put the viewpoints to support my opinion and also suggest some other professions which should be highly paid. My first argument in the disfavour of paying high salaries to these celebrities is that the function of their job is limited to entertain public and it is not categories as vital jobs. Many entertainers charge exorbitant amount which is generally in lacks or crores merely for signing a single film. For example, the established film star Shahrukh Khan charges a huge amount for playing a role in the movies. Despite earning from commercials, other shows and money minted from guest appearances, actors and sportsmen earn a salary which is higher than the average salary a border security guard would earn in entire life. Nextly, they hardly have to work for five to six months in order to earn this high income unlike other professions where employees need to be active throughout a year. There are many other professions which requires high salaries. The people working in defense services such as the army, navy and air force are the deserving ones since its because of them, the citizens of the country are leading secure lives. Moreover, they selflessly work for the country. Then there are people who are doctors, teachers and nurses who serve the humanity and deserve a good remuneration for working for this noble cause In conclusion, it is undeniable that the celebrities are paid in excess and there is no genuine justification for that. Therefore, it is profoundly important that the people working to make our society a safer and better place to live in should be highly paid.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
income of celebs in the field of sports and entertainment has always been a controversial issue. I
firmly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that they are getting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
remuneration for what they are doing and I believe that it is not justified to give them extravagant money for their work. In the following paragraphs, I shall put the viewpoints to support my opinion and
also
suggest
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
professions which should be
highly
paid.

My
first
argument in the
Possible spelling mistake found.
disfavour
of paying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salaries
to these celebrities is that the function of their job
is limited
to entertain public and it is not categories as vital jobs.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
entertainers charge exorbitant amount which is
generally
in lacks or crores
merely
for signing a single film.
For example
, the established film star
Possible spelling mistake found.
Shahrukh
Khan charges a huge amount for playing a role in the movies. Despite earning from commercials,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
and money minted from guest appearances, actors and sportsmen earn a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
which is higher than the average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
a border security guard would earn in entire life.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Nextly
, they hardly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work for five to six months in order to earn this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
income unlike
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
professions where employees need to be active throughout a year.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
professions which requires
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salaries
. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
working in defense services such as the army, navy and air force are the deserving ones since its
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of them, the citizens of the country are leading secure
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Moreover
, they
selflessly
work for the country. Then there are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are doctors, teachers and nurses who serve the humanity and deserve a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
remuneration for working for this noble
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
cause


In conclusion
, it is undeniable that the celebrities
are paid
in excess and there is no genuine justification for that.
Therefore
, it is
profoundly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
working to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
our society a safer and better place to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in should be
highly
paid.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
The man who does not know other languages, unless he is a man of genius, necessarily has deficiencies in his ideas.
Victor Hugo

IELTS essay Nowadays, some celebrities such as film stars, sportsmen and pop musicians are paid too much money. Which jobs should be highly paid? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
324 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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