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The number of overweight people in many countries is increasing alarmingly and the level of their fitness is decreasing. Why is this happening? What can be done to solve this pressing issues? v.1

The number of overweight people in many countries is increasing alarmingly and the level of their fitness is decreasing. Why is this happening? What can be done to solve this pressing issues? v. 1
In recent days, there has been a significant increase in the number of overweight people and it has become a deadly disorder for people. The rising number of obesity reverses with the decreasing of healthy life and sports exercises in daily life. I personally assert that it is caused by having a bad eating habit and lack of time in relaxing body or doing exercises. This essay will elaborate ideas more with some solutions. People mostly spend their time in office dealing with so many workloads thus they have no time to go to a gym in order to keep fit their body. They begin the day since early morning until the midnight to run out with a variety of their projects. Therefore, the best solution to encounter this problem is by providing fitness centre in the work office that is accessible for every employee to do sports activities during the break time. Consequently, employees can keep their body fit. Another reason is having bad diet in which people prefer to eat junk food instead of the healthy food. It is hard for them to prepare their own meal while the deadline of work is waiting, thus an instant food remains as their choice. Even though they already know that fast food can deteriorate their health, but they keep on consuming as their meals. To tackle this problem, the employer must provide a cafeteria which serves much more nutrition foods accessed by each employee. To sum up, to avoid the obesity, a company should provide health access centre and a healthy cafeteria that would enable people to keep their body healthy and take on some sports activities.
In recent days, there has been a significant increase in the number of overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and it has become a deadly disorder for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. The rising number of obesity reverses with the decreasing of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
life and sports exercises in daily life. I
personally
assert that it
is caused
by having a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
eating habit and lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in relaxing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
body
or doing exercises. This essay will elaborate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
more with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solutions.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
mostly
spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in office dealing with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
workloads
thus
they have no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to go to a gym in order to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
keep
fit their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
body
. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
the day since early morning until the midnight to run out with a variety of their projects.
Therefore
, the best solution to encounter this problem is by providing fitness
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
in the work office
that is
accessible for every employee to do sports activities during the break
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
Consequently
, employees can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
keep
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
body
fit.

Another reason is having
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
diet in which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer to eat junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
instead
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for them to prepare their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
meal while the deadline of work is waiting,
thus
an instant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
remains as their choice.
Even though
they already know that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
can deteriorate their health,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
keep
on consuming as their meals. To tackle this problem, the employer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
provide a cafeteria which serves much more nutrition
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
accessed by each employee.

To sum up, to avoid the obesity, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
should provide health access
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
and a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
cafeteria that would enable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
keep
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
body
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
healthy
and take on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sports activities.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay The number of overweight people in many countries is increasing alarmingly and the level of their fitness is decreasing. Why is this happening? What can be done to solve this pressing issues? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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