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The number of older people is increasing some people think that this will cause problems in their countries, other believe this group is important to society. discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.2

The number of older people is increasing some people think that this will cause problems in their countries, other believe this group is important to society. v. 2
There have been ongoing debates whether old aged masses important for the society or not. some people think aged people create a enormous problem to the country. However, few other believe older group has paramount to the society. While this approach can be proved older masses beneficial in some countries. I will discuss both views in the subsequent paragraph. Discussing the first view, the foremost last past few decades some countries face overlapping population which create number of problems for the nation such as lack of food, water, job opportunities and so on. Secondly, the government do not able to handle situation when country faced economy problem. On the flip side, the supporters of the letter view favours elders has paramount importance for society as well as family. Older people are bone of society and family because they helps to take decision and teaches how to tackle different situations in their life. Moreover, aged person is a lock of their house. For instance, if all family members are worker then they take care their house as well as little children and teach moral values of their children. To conclude and give my opinion, againg person is increasing day by day no doubt population create many people while government take relevant steps for giving facilities.
There have been ongoing debates whether
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
aged masses
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
or not.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
create
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
enormous problem to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
However
, few
Possibly, a noun is missing after 'other'. Or do you mean "others"?
other
believe older group has paramount to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
this approach can
be proved
older masses beneficial in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
. I will discuss both views in the subsequent paragraph.

Discussing the
first
view, the foremost last past few decades
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
face overlapping population which create number of problems for the nation such as lack of food, water, job opportunities and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
Secondly
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
do not able to handle situation when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
faced economy problem.

On the flip side, the supporters of the letter view
Possible spelling mistake. 'favours' is British English.
favours
elders has paramount importance for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
as well
as family. Older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are bone of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
and family
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
The pronoun 'they' must be used with a non-third-person form of a verb: "help"
helps
to take decision and teaches how to tackle
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
situations in their life.
Moreover
, aged person is a lock of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
.
For instance
, if all family members are worker then they take care their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
as well
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
children and teach moral values of their children.

To conclude
and give my opinion,
Possible spelling mistake found.
againg
person is increasing day by day no doubt population create
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
while
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
take relevant steps for giving facilities.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The number of older people is increasing some people think that this will cause problems in their countries, other believe this group is important to society. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
214 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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