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The number of older people is increasing. Some people think it will cause the problem to their countries, others believe this group is important to society. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.4

The number of older people is increasing. Some people think it will cause the problem to their countries, others believe this group is important to society. v. 4
Owing to the generation gap, the growing number of grey-haired people are burgeoning. Considering this, some people subscribe to this belief that it would have a detrimental effect on their countries while others believe that they are highly imperative for the societal structure. Although the increasing ratio of older ones could make a country less productive, this essay believes the preservation of culture is only possible with the assistance of elderly people. On the one hand, if the ratio of people who cross the retirement age is more as compared to younger ones, the productivity of the nation would be less. In other words, the more the aged community, the less efficient their health is. Since when the person gets matured, the efficiency of body organs would reduce in comparison to earlier stages of life. In addition, in order to access the technological sophistication, which is flourishing in this contemporary era, they could not compete with the young generation. In a number of instances, it can be seen that companies with employees above sixties are often considered at lower ranks in the 'Best Companies List'. However, I disagree with this viewpoint because the experience of these people is generally greater. On the other hand, I opine with those who think that this old age group is beneficial for society as they have wider horizons of knowledge not only about social life but also of the gone-by eras. Taking this into consideration, they disseminate their immense knowledge to children and inculcates the moral as well as social values in them along with patriotism towards the country by giving information about the patriotists who sacrificed their lives for the nation. Thence, this old generation has a significant role in preserving culture. For example, in India, most of the youngsters are obedient and respect the whole community because their grandparents instill moral values in them. To conclude, even though people may vary in their opinions as older people are more likely reducing the productiveness of nation by many, I still believe these people lay the foundation of the country be preserving the culture.
Owing to the generation gap, the growing number of
Possible spelling mistake found.
grey-haired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are burgeoning. Considering this,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
subscribe to this belief that it would have a detrimental effect on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
while others believe that they are
highly
imperative for the societal structure. Although the increasing ratio of older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
less productive, this essay believes the preservation of culture is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
possible with the assistance of elderly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

On the one hand, if the ratio of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who cross the retirement age is more
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
compared to younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
, the productivity of the nation would be less.
In other words
, the more the aged community, the less efficient their health is. Since when the person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
matured, the efficiency of body organs would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
in comparison
to earlier stages of life.
In addition
, in order to access the technological sophistication, which is flourishing in this contemporary era, they could not compete with the young generation. In a number of instances, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
with employees above sixties are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
considered at lower ranks in the 'Best
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Companies
List'.
However
, I disagree with this viewpoint
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the experience of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is
generally
greater.

On the other hand
, I opine with those who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age group is beneficial for society as they have wider horizons of knowledge not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
about social life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
of the gone-by eras. Taking this into consideration, they disseminate their immense knowledge to children and inculcates the moral
as well
as social values in them along with patriotism towards the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
by giving information about the
Possible spelling mistake found.
patriotists
who sacrificed their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
for the nation. Thence, this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
generation has a significant role in preserving culture.
For example
, in India, most of the youngsters are obedient and respect the whole community
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their grandparents instill moral values in them.

To conclude
,
even though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may vary in their opinions as older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more likely reducing the productiveness of nation by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
, I
still
believe these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
lay the foundation of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
be preserving the culture.
17Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay The number of older people is increasing. Some people think it will cause the problem to their countries, others believe this group is important to society. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
350 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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