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The number of older people is increasing. Some people think it will cause the problem to their countries, others believe this group is important to society. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.7

The number of older people is increasing. Some people think it will cause the problem to their countries, others believe this group is important to society. v. 7
In the modern era, elderly population is increasing. There has been a remarkable increase in the number of people who believe that this will lead to some problems, while another section of society thinks that older people play a crucial role in society. This essay will delve both sides of these views before drawing a reasonable conclusion. In my opinion, elderly people create problems, such as workforce and health care expenditures in their countries. Admittedly, the negative implications of older population are often discussed in terms of two key areas, which are health care outcomes and the unemployment rate. Perhaps the main disadvantage of this is that expenditures of public health services might incrase because elderly people are more predisposed to serious diseases than young people. According to a report published by the New York Times, Germany spends most of their annual budgets on public health services owing to their old population. Secondly, the unemployment rate might increase in old populated countries because there are not enough job opportunities in order to hire young people. Thus, the government should be prudent concerning their population studies because old people might be perilous on both economy and employment rate in a country. Despite these arguments, the positive aspects of old population, such as their traditions should not be underestimated. The primary benefits of this group is that they can reflect a country’s traditional culture thanks to their experiences. For instance, after decades of speculation historians now have fairly accurate information concerning World War II through old people. Furthermore, old people provide help not only information about history but also daily decisions, such as education, work, and even weather predictions. Hence, old population is important to society because they can easily cope with complex issues through their experiences. In conclusion, the decision as to whether older population has an essential part of a society must be taken in the context of the entire society. However, my personal view is that this group causes some serious problems such as illnesses, which in turn leads to health expenditures.
In the modern era, elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
is increasing. There has been a remarkable increase in the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who believe that this will lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
problems, while another section of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thinks
that older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
play a crucial role in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. This essay will delve both sides of these views
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
drawing a reasonable conclusion. In my opinion, elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
create problems, such as workforce and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care expenditures in their countries.

Admittedly
, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
implications of older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
discussed in terms of two key areas, which are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
care outcomes and the unemployment rate. Perhaps the main disadvantage of this is that expenditures of public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
services might
Possible spelling mistake found.
incrase
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more predisposed to serious diseases than young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. According to a report published by the New York Times, Germany spends most of their annual budgets on public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
services owing to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
.
Secondly
, the unemployment rate might increase in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
populated countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
job opportunities in order to hire young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Thus
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should be prudent concerning their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
studies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
might be perilous on both economy and employment rate in a country.

Despite these arguments, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
, such as their traditions should not
be underestimated
. The primary benefits of this group is that they can reflect a country’s traditional culture thanks to their experiences.
For instance
, after decades of speculation historians
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
have
fairly
accurate information concerning World War II through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
provide
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
information about history
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
daily decisions, such as education, work, and even weather predictions.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can
easily
cope with complex issues through their experiences.

In conclusion
, the decision
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether", or rephrase the sentence to avoid "as to".
as to whether
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
has an essential part of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be taken
in the context of the entire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
However
, my personal view is that this group causes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
serious problems such as illnesses, which in turn leads to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
expenditures.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
33Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS essay The number of older people is increasing. Some people think it will cause the problem to their countries, others believe this group is important to society. v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
343 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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