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The number of older people is increasing. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this? v.1

The number of older people is increasing. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this? v. 1
It is undeniable that with the advance of medical care and technology, people now are living longer and the life expectancy is steadily increasing. I strongly believe that this trend has both positive and negative effects on society. On the one hand, the growing number of aged citizens also has some negative consequences. Firstly, a dramatic increase in the proportion of old people may place an increasing burden on health systems. In fact, as people age, they suffer from various health problems such as high blood pressure, diabetes, stroke or heart attack. These chronic illnesses are placing an increasing pressure on health systems. Secondly, this phenomenon would pose a heavy financial burden on government. The pension funds are collected from taxes from other citizens in order to ensure the old decent lives. For example, population aging in Japan leads to a decreased proportion of people of workforce age. Thus, there will be more people claiming benefits such as state pensions and less people working and paying income taxes, causing an increase in dependency ratio. On the other hand, the increasing number of older people in a country has great influences on society. Certainly, wisdom really does come with age, senior citizens have an extensive experience of various social systems which is the treasure for young generation to counsel. Moreover, due to their retirement, senior generations could spend more time taking part in community services and volunteer work than the young. For instance, as a volunteer Retired and Senior Volunteer Program, participants can share the knowledge they have gained during their lifetime in order to tutor and mentor youth, renovate homes, and assist natural disaster victims. In conclusion, despite of all advantages, the aging trend can bring some
drawbacks to the society and the cons far outweigh the pros. Therefore, I strongly believe that effective solutions should be found to address its adverse impacts.
It is undeniable that with the advance of medical care and technology,
people
now
are living longer and the life expectancy is
steadily
increasing
. I
strongly
believe that this trend has both
positive
and
negative
effects on society.

On the one hand, the growing number of aged citizens
also
has
some
negative
consequences.
Firstly
, a dramatic increase in the proportion of
old
people
may place an
increasing
burden on health systems. In fact, as
people
age, they suffer from various health problems such as high blood pressure, diabetes, stroke or heart attack. These chronic illnesses are placing an
increasing
pressure on health systems.
Secondly
, this phenomenon would pose a heavy financial burden on
government
. The pension funds
are collected
from taxes from other citizens in order to ensure the
old
decent
lives
.
For example
, population aging in Japan leads to a decreased proportion of
people
of workforce age.
Thus
, there will be more
people
claiming benefits such as state pensions and
less
people
working and paying income taxes, causing an increase in dependency ratio.

On the other hand
, the
increasing
number of older
people
in a country has great influences on society.
Certainly
, wisdom
really
does
come
with age, senior citizens have an extensive experience of various social systems which is the treasure for young generation to counsel.
Moreover
, due to their retirement, senior generations could spend more time taking part in community services and volunteer work than the young.
For instance
, as a volunteer Retired and Senior Volunteer Program, participants can share the knowledge they have gained during their lifetime in order to tutor and mentor youth, renovate homes, and assist natural disaster victims.

In conclusion
,
despite of
all advantages, the aging trend can bring
some

drawbacks to the society and the cons far outweigh the pros.
Therefore
, I
strongly
believe that effective solutions should
be found
to address its adverse impacts.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
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IELTS essay The number of older people is increasing. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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