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At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v.1

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1
If not controlled and planned in a proper manner, population hike in itself can become hazardous. It has its own advantages as well as disadvantages, however the same depends on the way the manpower is being used and the correct ratio between old and similar aged people. I personally think if a country or a nation is over populated whether it be with the young crowd or relatively older population it is harmful in numerous ways. We shall explore the reasons and look at different aspects in this essay. Today, for example, we can take India and China as examples. While there is nothing wrong with these two nations, we should throw some light on the rate at which the population is increasing in both these countries in an alarming rate. Being a citizen of India and having been brought up in one of the most populated city in the world i. e. Mumbai, I feel that population should be controlled soon else, we would be leaving an unsafe place for our future generations where it would be difficult for them to survive and they would most likely struggle for all the natural resources which we were fortunate enough to enjoy from mother nature. If the young population is more in the nation undoubtedly the working manpower ratio would be increased and in turn it would lead to the development of the nation. More and more people would be willing to work inside and outside of the nation bringing growth and prosperity in the nation’s economy. However, by not thinking in a materialistic way and taking our future generations into consideration, there are consequences that they might have to face. Such as extinguishing of most of the natural resources. For example, forests are being destroyed in-order to accommodate the increasing population. Lack of money to fulfil even their basic needs as a human being etc. Coming back to the older population, there also the role of the government is quite crucial as the needs of older people are similar to the needs of children. There should be appropriate facilities that should be done by the government to look after the old people and provide them with proper healthcare and nutrition. All this will be possible only if the population is under control and manageable. If the population is increasing at this rate it will affect the quality of life which in turn would cause more problems. Hence, In my opinion, the population in general should not increase at such a rate where, it will cause a threat to the very existence of life and would affect the well- being of all the humans.
If not controlled and planned
Consider replacing "in a proper manner" with the adverb for "proper"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a proper manner
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
hike in itself can become hazardous. It has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
advantages
as well
as disadvantages,
however
the same depends on the way the manpower is being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
and the correct ratio between
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
and similar aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
if a country or a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
is over populated whether it be with the young crowd or
relatively
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
it is harmful in numerous ways. We shall explore the reasons and look at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
aspects in this essay.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
,
for example
, we can take India and China as examples. While there is nothing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
with these two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nations
, we should throw
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
light on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
at which the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
is increasing in both these countries in an alarming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
. Being a citizen of India and having
been brought
up in one of the most populated city in the world
There should be no space here: "i.e.".
i. e.
Mumbai, I feel that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
should
be controlled
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
else, we would be leaving an unsafe place for our future generations where it would be difficult for them to
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
survive and
they would most likely struggle for all the natural resources which we were fortunate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to enjoy from mother nature.

If the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
is more in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
undoubtedly
the working manpower ratio would
be increased
and in turn it would lead to the development of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
. More and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would be willing to work inside and
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "outside".
outside of
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation
bringing growth and prosperity in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
nation’s
economy.
However
, by not thinking
Consider replacing "in a materialistic way" with the adverb for "materialistic"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a materialistic way
and taking our future generations into consideration, there are consequences that they might
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
face. Such as extinguishing of most of the natural resources.
For example
, forests are being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroyed
in-order to accommodate the increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
. Lack of money to fulfil even their basic needs as a human being etc.

Coming back to the older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
, there
also
the role of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
is quite crucial as the needs of older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are similar to the needs of children. There should be appropriate facilities that should
be done
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to look after the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and provide them with proper healthcare and nutrition. All this will be possible
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
is under control and manageable.
“If” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
If
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
is increasing at this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
it will affect the quality of life which in turn would cause more problems.

Hence
, In my opinion, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
in general
should not increase at such a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
where, it will cause a threat to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
existence of life and would affect the well- being of all the humans.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
The most intimate temper of a people, its deepest soul, is above all in its language.
Jules Michelet

IELTS essay At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
443 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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