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The money spent by governments on space programmes would be better spent onvital public services such as schools and hospitals. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

The money spent by governments on space programmes would be better spent onvital public services such as schools and hospitals. v. 1
Nowadays, we are living in the world where problem of studying and working after high schools is a heated topic and usually discussed. People have varying views about this issue. While some people advocate getting a job after graduating high school, I would argue that the optimal way to be successful in their career is going to university. The option to skip college is justifiable because it is attractive for several reasons. Many young people want to earn money as soon as possible. In this way, they can become independent and they will be able to afford their own house or start a family. In terms of their race, young people who decide to find work, rather than continue their studies, may progress more quickly. They will have the chance to gain real experience and learn practical skills related to their chosen profession. This may lead to promotions and a successful career. On the other hand, I believe that it is more beneficial for students to continue their tertiary education. Firstly, academic qualifications are required in many professions. For example, it is impossible to become a lawyer, doctor and teacher without having the relevant degree. As a result, university graduates help people to have access to more and better job opportunities, and they tend to earn a lucrative income than those with fewer qualifications. Secondly, the job market is becoming increasingly competitive, and sometimes there are hundreds of applicants for one position in a big company. Young people who do not have qualifications from a university will not be able to compete. For the reasons mentioned above, it seems to me that attending colleges and universities plays an indispensable role in realizing a successful race.
Nowadays, we are living in the world where problem of studying and working after high schools is a heated topic and
usually
discussed.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
have varying views about this issue. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
advocate getting a job after
The verb 'to graduate' requires the preposition 'from': "graduating from".
graduating
high school, I would argue that the optimal way to be successful in their career is going to university.

The option to skip college is justifiable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is attractive for several reasons.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
want to earn money as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible. In this way, they can become
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
independent and
they will be able to afford their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
a family. In terms of their race, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who decide to find work,
rather
than continue their studies, may progress more
quickly
. They will have the chance to gain real experience and learn practical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
related to their chosen profession. This may lead to promotions and a successful career.

On the other hand
, I believe that it is more beneficial for students to continue their tertiary education.
Firstly
, academic qualifications
are required
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
professions.
For example
, it is impossible to become a lawyer, doctor and teacher without having the relevant degree.
As a result
, university graduates
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to have access to more and better job opportunities, and they tend to earn a lucrative income than those with fewer qualifications.
Secondly
, the job market is becoming
increasingly
competitive, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
there are hundreds of applicants for one position in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
. Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who do not have qualifications from a university will not be able to compete.

For the reasons mentioned above, it seems to me that attending colleges and universities plays an indispensable role in realizing a successful race.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay The money spent by governments on space programmes would be better spent onvital public services such as schools and hospitals. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
285 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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