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shopping is one of the most popular form of leisure activity in many countries for young adults. Why this? Do you think it is a positive or a negative development? v.1

shopping is one of the most popular form of leisure activity in many countries for young adults. Why this? Do you think it is a positive or a negative development? v. 1
Being overweight is a common problem among all age groups, especially in children residing in Australia. Some people see this as a responsibility of schools to monitor the diet and exercise of their pupils. I, however do not entirely believe that it is the sole responsibility of schools to look after the health of their students. This responsibility should be shared among parents and educational institutions equally. Schools have been the centre of early childhood learning in many developed countries and therefore, are considered to nurture good habits within a child studying in these institutions. In regards to eating healthy and being conscious about their fitness, it is expected of schools to provide initial guidance to students to take care of their health. In reality, educational centres have been less concerned about delivering such lessons that can help kids make healthy eating choices. As a result, as many as two thirds of children are now obese in Australia. However, schools cannot be entirely held responsible for overlooking eating and fitness habits of their students, parents hold and equal if not greater responsibility of guiding their children to make better decisions. They can teach them how to read and understand food labels and nutritional information provided on top of food packaging. They can also guide them to eat less processed food which is heavy with saturated fats. These practices can surely help the younger generation to make an informed decision on what they are consuming. In conclusion, I believe that schools cannot be held entirely responsible for overseeing the eating and fitness routines of their students. This responsibility also falls on the shoulder of the parents to inform and have a discussion on the benefits of a healthy lifestyle. This will help them 0to stay well informed about their dietary consumptions and will stop them from getting overweight.
Being overweight is a common problem among all age groups,
especially
in children residing in Australia.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
this as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibility
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
to monitor the diet and exercise of their pupils. I,
however
do not
entirely
believe that it is the sole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibility
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
to look after the health of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibility
should
be shared
among parents and educational institutions
equally
.

Schools have been the
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
of early childhood learning in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
and
therefore
,
are considered
to nurture
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
habits within a child studying in these institutions.
Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
In regards to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
healthy and being conscious about their fitness, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
to provide initial guidance to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to take care of their health. In reality, educational
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
have been less concerned about delivering such lessons that can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
kids
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
choices.
As a result
, as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
as two thirds of children are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
obese in Australia.

However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
cannot be
entirely
held responsible for overlooking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
and fitness habits of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, parents hold and equal if not greater
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibility
of guiding their children to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
better decisions. They can teach them how to read and understand food labels and nutritional information provided on top of food packaging. They can
also
guide them to eat less processed food which is heavy with saturated fats. These practices can
surely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the younger generation to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an informed decision on what they are consuming.

In conclusion
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
cannot
be held
entirely
responsible for overseeing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
and fitness routines of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
responsibility
also
falls on the shoulder of the parents to inform and have a discussion on the benefits of a healthy lifestyle. This will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them 0to stay
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well informed
about their dietary
Possible spelling mistake found.
consumptions
and will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
them from getting overweight.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay shopping is one of the most popular form of leisure activity in many countries for young adults. Why this? Do you think it is a positive or a negative development? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
307 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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