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The maps below show changes that took place in Youngsville in New Zealand over a 25-year period from 1980 to 2005 v.1

The maps below show changes that took place in Youngsville in New Zealand over a 25-year period from 1980 to 2005 v. 1
There are many people who have called into question the importance of spending resources on existing public transport or creating railway among towns. I would like to emphasise both have own positives such as industrialization and accessibility. First of all rail line system between cities is very crucial for accessing to appropriate places which affects inhabitants' lifestyles whose lives far away from gigantic city. Accessible means better work, health education opportunity for the population an isolated settlement. Furthermore, the train could be used as a travel and transportation, which is safer and cheaper than other vehicles. According to the usage of railway in big boss countries is extremely high and has a great role in economic development. By the fact the China’s world-fearing economy 10% consists of caring row and consumer materials by 128000 km of the railway system. This phenomena are showing why tracks between the cities is important for the country. On the other hand the public transportation system brings many benefits to individual communities and the local economy, however, do not get near the amount of attention that they should. As well as outside, inside city transport is helping people to save their money and at the same time it is bio lover, due to the fact it reduces approximately 45% of traffic which means 2 times less carbon dioxide. Public transports are really needed in big cities because of the crowds, traffic and most harmful one stress. Overall, it's really important to keep fresh transports and change vehicles with new ones especially in overcrowded areas. In conclusion, demand is always changing to a situation which city is located in mountainous needs access to the world. Nevertheless overpopulated towns need Public transports for less stress life.
There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who have called into question the importance of spending resources on existing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
transport
or creating railway among towns. I would like to
Possible spelling mistake. 'emphasise' is British English.
emphasise
both have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
positives such as industrialization and accessibility.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
rail line system between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
crucial for accessing to appropriate places which affects inhabitants' lifestyles whose
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
far away from gigantic city. Accessible means better work, health education opportunity for the population an isolated settlement.
Furthermore
, the train could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
as a travel and transportation, which is safer and cheaper than other vehicles. According to the usage of railway in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
boss countries is
extremely
high and has a great role in economic development. By the fact the China’s world-fearing economy 10% consists of caring row and consumer materials by 128000 km of the railway system.
Did you mean "these"?
This
phenomena are showing why
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tracks
between the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for the country.

On the other hand
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
transportation system brings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits to individual communities and the local economy,
however
, do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
near the amount of attention that they should.
As well
as outside, inside city
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
transport
is helping
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to save their money and at the same time it is bio lover, due to the fact it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
approximately 45% of traffic which means 2 times less carbon dioxide.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
transports
are
really
needed in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the crowds, traffic and most harmful one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.
Overall
, it's
really
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
fresh
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
transports
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
vehicles with new ones
especially
in overcrowded areas.

In conclusion
, demand is always changing to a situation which city
is located
in mountainous needs access to the world.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Nevertheless
overpopulated towns need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
transports
for less
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
life.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The maps below show changes that took place in Youngsville in New Zealand over a 25-year period from 1980 to 2005 v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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