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The maps below show the changes that take place at the seaside resort of Templeton between 1990 and 2005. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparison where relevant. v.1

The maps below show the changes that take place at the seaside resort of Templeton between 1990 and 2005.
Education plays an integral role in one’s life and requires an investment in the form of time, money and hard work. Hence, to afford the expense of the degree course, many students prefer to do work on a daily or weekend basis, which in my view, should be encouraged among students in their overall personality development. On the one hand, students doing jobs can feel them in a more financially secure position. To illustrate, they will be able to pay their rents, bills, transportation charges, college fee, and even student loan debt and thus, this will help to reduce the financial burden on them and their families. Secondly, managing studies and job at the same moment will develop time management skills among them and further enhance their interpersonal and soft skills development. Thirdly, these jobs will support them to build their curriculum vitae and hence helping them to grab a job opportunity at a good company. Fourthly, staying busy in the tight study-work schedule will divert teenager's minds from being involved in undesirable and unlawful activities. On the other hand, these jobs can increase the burden on the students at this tender age and thus, making them suffer from the low academic performance because sometimes, the time spent in doing such jobs and the salary paid is not worth the amount of studies affected. Moreover, their hectic schedule will leave no leisure period for their hobbies or nurture their hidden talents. To recapitulate, I opine that regardless of few drawbacks which can be managed by proper planning, students should be encouraged to take the work positions for their financial security and well rounded development.
Education plays an integral role in one’s life and requires an investment in the form of time, money and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work.
Hence
, to afford the expense of the degree course,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
prefer to do work on a daily or weekend basis, which in my view, should
be encouraged
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in their
overall
personality development.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
can feel them in a more
financially
secure position. To illustrate, they will be able to pay their rents, bills, transportation charges, college fee, and even
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
loan debt and
thus
, this will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the financial burden on them and their families.
Secondly
, managing studies and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
at the same moment will develop time management
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
among them and
further
enhance their interpersonal and soft
Possible typo: apostrophe is missing. Did you mean "skills'" or "skill's"?
skills
development.
Thirdly
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
will support them to build their curriculum vitae and
hence
helping them to grab a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
opportunity at a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.
Fourthly
, staying busy in the tight study-work schedule will divert
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
's minds from
being involved
in undesirable and unlawful activities.

On the other hand
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
can increase the burden on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
at this tender age and
thus
, making them suffer from the low academic performance
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
, the time spent in doing such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
and the salary paid is not worth the amount of studies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
.
Moreover
, their hectic schedule will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
no leisure period for their hobbies or nurture their hidden talents.

To recapitulate, I opine that regardless of few drawbacks which can
be managed
by proper planning,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should
be encouraged
to take the work positions for their financial security and
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well rounded
development.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay The maps below show the changes that take place at the seaside resort of Templeton between 1990 and 2005.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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