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In cities and towns all over the world the high volume of traffic is a problem. What are the causes of this and what actions can be taken to solve this problem? v.4

In cities and towns all over the world the high volume of traffic is a problem. What are the causes of this and what actions can be taken to solve this problem? v. 4
Nowadays, not only had several business institutions restricted smoking, but there are some nations banned this from public places as well. There is an opinion that this prohibition is considered as inversion to the personal freedom, according to some. I, personally believe that it is a positive movement since this can uplift both public and society. Although whatever inhaling substances may stimulate human brain and mental activities, more often than not, this leads - a problem which is physical dependability towards these drugs and it is extremely difficult to get ride of it, even one wants to. Therefore, being banned, smoking from public places such as parks, cinemas, and hospitals can limit gravity of this problem for certain extend as smokers are not allowed smoke continuously, so it is naive to think that criminalising smoking is stealing privacy. By contrast, if young generation, children, started, who are easily manipulated, by viewing adults' smoking habit, the depth of the repercussions of this would not be measurable due to its severity. Yet, another reason to consider this prohibition is acceptable is that it enables the governments to channelize funds which had spent on treating complications of smoking for more pressing problematic sectors: women empowerment, settlement of vulnerable people, and crime in the society. By punishing smokers, it can set an example for others, especially for the future generation. Similarly, the number of many passive smokers and their both health and personal difficulties could be reduced proportionately. By way of conclusion, while there are some disagreements against criminalising smoking in public places, I reaffirm that the governments' this action is welcomed because this has been saving millions of lives all over the world daily. It is suggested that the complete ban on smoking would be even better.
Nowadays, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
had several business institutions restricted
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
nations banned this from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
places
as well
. There is an opinion that this prohibition
is considered
as inversion to the personal freedom, according to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
. I,
personally
believe that it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
movement since this can uplift both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
and society.

Although whatever inhaling substances may stimulate human brain and mental activities, more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
than not, this leads
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
a problem which is physical dependability towards these drugs and it is
extremely
difficult to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
Did you mean "rid" ('get rid of' = 'discard' or 'get free of')?
ride
of it, even one wants to.
Therefore
,
being banned
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
places such as parks, cinemas, and hospitals can limit gravity of this problem for certain
Did you mean "extent" ('extent' is a noun, 'extend' is a verb)?
extend
as smokers are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
smoke
continuously
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it is naive to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
Possible spelling mistake. 'criminalising' is British English.
criminalising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
is stealing privacy. By contrast, if young generation, children,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
, who are
easily
manipulated, by viewing adults'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
habit, the depth of the repercussions of this would not be measurable due to its severity.

Yet
, another reason to consider this prohibition is acceptable is that it enables the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
to channelize funds which had spent on treating complications of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
for more pressing problematic sectors: women empowerment, settlement of vulnerable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, and crime in the society. By punishing smokers, it can set an example for others,
especially
for the future generation.
Similarly
, the number of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
passive smokers and their both health and personal difficulties could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
proportionately
.

By way of conclusion, while there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disagreements against
Possible spelling mistake. 'criminalising' is British English.
criminalising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
places, I reaffirm that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
' this action
is welcomed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this has been saving millions of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
all over the world daily. It
is suggested
that the complete ban on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
would be even better.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay In cities and towns all over the world the high volume of traffic is a problem. What are the causes of this and what actions can be taken to solve this problem? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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