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the map below shows the development of village of rymouth between 1995 and present. summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, make comparison where relevant. v.1

the map below shows the development of village of rymouth between 1995 and present.
These days it is evident that restaurants and supermarkets try to lure students by paying schools to promote their products. In my opinion, it is a negative trend as products which are part of paid promotion might not have necessary nutritional values in it and can also make children heavily rely on it over the course of the time. There are a lot of demerits of the goods promoted to students in schools through such schemes. Firstly, every school would have different vendors to market their items based on the revenue generated from them. Secondly, there are no laws in place that give such external suppliers a room to advertise their product by providing money to educational institutes. Thirdly, children would get addicted to such snacks and would not crave for home-made ones. Lastly, hygiene cannot be accurately measured by anyone to approve it safe for consumption. For instance, nourishment delivered from the supermarket is generally preserved for long which over the time makes it lose its nutritional value before reaching the end consumer. It is unethical for schools to be part of such campaigns, which selfishly generates revenue for them, but at the same time ignores student's health. In their growing years, kids need to be provided with food which gives them energy and immunity enough for their daily chores. Food packed with nutrition is essential for them to stay healthy and fit. Also, parents become lazy in preparing food for their kids, as they are aware of ready-made food available in school. For example, a recent Cambridge study shows 38% of working mothers do not prepare lunch for their school going children due to availability of fast-food chains. To conclude, paid promotion of products raises suspicion of its quality and consumption safety. Government should revoke license of chains or markets indulging in such practises. Laws should be rolled out for schools to seek local council approval before hiring any external vendors to cater their students. As responsible citizens of the society, we should be vigilant enough to mould the future generation in the right direction with best practises.
These days it is evident that restaurants and supermarkets try to lure students by paying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
to promote their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
. In my opinion, it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
trend as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
which are part of paid promotion might not have necessary nutritional values in it and can
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
children
heavily
rely on it over the course of the time.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
demerits of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
promoted to students in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
through such schemes.
Firstly
, every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
would have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
vendors to market their items based on the revenue generated from them.
Secondly
, there are no laws in place that give such external suppliers a room to advertise their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
product
by providing money to educational institutes.
Thirdly
, children would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
addicted to such snacks and would not crave for home-made ones.
Lastly
, hygiene cannot be
accurately
measured by anyone to approve it safe for consumption.
For instance
, nourishment delivered from the supermarket is
generally
preserved for long which over the time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it lose its nutritional value
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
reaching the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
consumer.

It is unethical for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
to be part of such campaigns, which
selfishly
generates revenue for them,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
at the same time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignores
student's health. In their growing years, kids need to
be provided
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
which gives them energy and immunity
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
for their daily chores.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Food
packed with nutrition is essential for them to stay healthy and fit.
Also
, parents become lazy in preparing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
for their kids, as they are aware of ready-made
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
available in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
For example
, a recent Cambridge study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
38% of working mothers do not prepare lunch for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
going children due to availability of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-food chains.

To conclude
, paid promotion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
raises suspicion of its quality and consumption safety.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
should revoke license of chains or markets indulging in such
Possible spelling mistake. 'practises' is British English.
practises
. Laws should
be rolled
out for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
to seek local council approval
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
hiring any external vendors to cater their students. As responsible citizens of the society, we should be vigilant
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to
Possible spelling mistake. 'mould' is British English.
mould
the future generation in the right direction with best
Possible spelling mistake. 'practises' is British English.
practises
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay the map below shows the development of village of rymouth between 1995 and present.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
350 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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