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The map below shows the changes of a village in 1995 and now. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. v.1

The map below shows the changes of a village in 1995 and now.
In this fast-paced world, technological advancements are lurking most of the people’s minds. The consumerist society of today, are intrigued in buying as much materialistic things as possible. It is very arduous to find a person without owning a car, TV or fridge. This materialistic interest that people have, has various merits as well as demerits. In my opinion, the disadvantages outweigh the advantages of the same. First and foremost, the increasing interest that people have towards owning a TV, car or a fridge has a negative impact on the environment. As this materialistic aspect in people is associated with reduced interest in reusing things, the amount of industrial waste dumped each year double folds. Apart from this, the interest towards owning vehicles can hike the level of pollution. The heap of technological wastes dumped in urban areas is an example of the effect of owning materialistic things can have on the environment in a long run. Apart from this, people are prone to various diseases like obesity and back pain which is an aftermath of the sedentary lifestyles offered by equipments like TV’s, fridge et cetera. In a survey that was conducted in India, it was proven that those who own latest technological equipments suffer more from obesity. On the other hand, owning materialistic things may it be car or fridge, can reduce the efforts and time required for performing a task. People of today are short of time to do various activities. Technologies like a fridge, for example, can preserve food items for a long time, which makes the life of people a bit for easier. That is, they may not need to cook each and every day. In a nutshell, I would like to reiterate my opinion that the increasing interest that people have towards owning a car, fridge or a TV has more demerits than merits. The negative impact the some can have on the environment is one disadvantage. Diseases from sedentary lifestyles offered by it adds on to the above said demerit.
In this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-paced world, technological advancements are lurking most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
minds. The consumerist society of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
,
are intrigued
in buying as much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
materialistic
things as possible. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
arduous to find a person without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
owning
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
, TV or fridge. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
materialistic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interest
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have, has various merits
as well
as demerits. In my opinion, the disadvantages outweigh the advantages of the same.

First
and foremost, the increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interest
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
owning
a TV,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
or a fridge has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on the environment. As this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
materialistic
aspect in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
associated with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interest
in reusing things, the amount of industrial waste dumped each year double folds. Apart from this, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interest
towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
owning
vehicles can hike the level of pollution. The heap of technological wastes dumped in urban areas is an example of the effect of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
owning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
materialistic
things can have on the environment in a long run.

Apart from this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are prone to various diseases like obesity and back pain which is an aftermath of the sedentary lifestyles offered by equipments like TV’s, fridge
Possible spelling mistake found.
et cetera
. In a survey that
was conducted
in India, it
was proven
that those who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
latest technological equipments suffer more from obesity.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
owning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
materialistic
things may it be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
or fridge, can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the efforts and time required for performing a task.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
are short of time to do various activities. Technologies like a fridge,
for example
, can preserve food items for a long time, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the life of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
a bit for easier.
That is
, they may not need to cook each and every day.

In a nutshell, I would like to reiterate my opinion that the increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
interest
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
owning
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
, fridge or a TV has more demerits than merits. The
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact the
Did you mean "same"?
some
can have on the environment is one disadvantage. Diseases from sedentary lifestyles offered by it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
adds
on to the above said demerit.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay The map below shows the changes of a village in 1995 and now.

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
337 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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