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The map below is of the town of Gralsdon. A new supermarket is planned for the town. The map shows two possible sites for the supermarket. v.1

The map below is of the town of Gralsdon. A new supermarket is planned for the town. The map shows two possible sites for the supermarket. v. 1
It is evident that in many countries professionals like doctors, nurses and teachers are paid lesser than those who are employed in sports and entertainment sectors. In my opinion, I strongly consider this behaviour to be a bad practice as professionals should be earning more money. The main rationale behind paying lump sum amounts to sport and entertainment workers is due to higher revenue generated by these businesses. In other words, people in some countries lavishly spend on these sectors both legally and illegally. For instance, research conducted by the UK government demonstrated that eighty percent of the citizen in London are more likely to spend a larger proportion of the income on entertainment, which enables high monetary inflow to that sector. Because of the high income, the people working for it get a higher salary. Consequently, entertainment and sport works are paid higher. Giving more salary to these people discourages the professionals who provide services to people. Owning to the less package paid to healthcare employees and teachers, they get attracted to concentrate on other modes of earning, which deviate their primary focus. For example, an investigation conducted by the World Health Organization on physicians proved that most of the doctors are doing side business as they are not able to manage the family expenditure. As a result, the quality of work is reduced drastically, which is a major threat to a country. In conclusion, I believe that it is not right to invest more in entertainment and sports, instead, the investment should be made to doctors, nurses, and teachers who play a vital role in everyone's life.
It is evident that in
many
countries professionals like doctors, nurses and teachers
are paid
lesser than those who
are employed
in
sports
and entertainment sectors. In my opinion, I
strongly
consider this
behaviour
to be a
bad
practice as professionals should be earning more money.

The main rationale behind paying lump sum amounts to
sport
and entertainment workers is due to higher revenue generated by these businesses.
In other words
,
people
in
some
countries
lavishly
spend on these sectors both
legally
and
illegally
.
For instance
, research conducted by the UK
government
demonstrated that eighty percent of the citizen in London are more likely to spend a larger proportion of the income on entertainment, which enables high monetary inflow to that sector.
Because
of the high income, the
people
working for it
get
a higher salary.
Consequently
, entertainment and
sport
works
are paid
higher.

Giving more salary to these
people
discourages
the professionals who provide services to
people
. Owning to the less package paid to healthcare employees and teachers, they
get
attracted to concentrate on other modes of earning, which deviate their primary focus.
For example
, an investigation conducted by the World Health Organization on physicians proved that most of the doctors are doing side business as they are not able to manage the family expenditure.
As a result
, the quality of work is
reduced
drastically
, which is a major threat to a country.

In conclusion
, I believe that it is not right to invest more in entertainment and
sports
,
instead
, the investment should
be made
to doctors, nurses, and teachers who play a vital role in everyone's life.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The map below is of the town of Gralsdon. A new supermarket is planned for the town. The map shows two possible sites for the supermarket. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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