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The main reason people go to work is to earn money. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

The main reason people go to work is to earn money. v. 2
It is true that the principle idea of occupation is to get the salary. People usually prefer those jobs that offer high wages and facilities. However, I agree with the statement to some extent. I reckon that, money would be the prime concern of work, nevertheless, it also provides the meaning of our existence. Firstly, the value of money is almost vivid to all. For example, since ancient time, coins were used as salary in turn to buy food and clothes. The same trend we can see in our present world, hence money is a crucial factor to survive. People also work to support their family, so that they could pay for their basic necessities, such as accommodation, education costs, food, tax, bills etc. Additionally, many people work to secure their future prospect. If we no longer needed money, I doubt people will choose to continue their jobs. On the other hand, work plays a vital role to embark upon a ship which has a definite meaning of its excursion. Moreover, we can assume the actual value of life. For instance, an inactive life leads to boredom, followed by loneliness and depression. The activity provides actual direction and motivation in order to pursue exact goals of our life. To add with, workless life may distract the person towards explicable acts, hence in some cases, people may find themselves in traps of addiction that may draw numerous hassles for both individual and society. To sum up, it is undeniable that, people’s initials for work is, in order to earn money but it is rather important to run a meaningful life.
It is true that the principle
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of occupation is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the salary.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
usually
prefer those jobs that offer high wages and facilities.
However
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent. I reckon that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
would be the prime concern of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
,
nevertheless
, it
also
provides the meaning of our existence.

Firstly
, the value of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is almost vivid to all.
For example
, since ancient time, coins were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
as salary in turn to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
food and clothes. The same trend we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
in our present world,
hence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is a crucial factor to survive.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
to support their family,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they could pay for their
Consider using "necessities".
basic necessities
, such as accommodation, education costs, food, tax, bills etc.
Additionally
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
to secure their future prospect. If we no longer needed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, I doubt
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will choose to continue their jobs.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
plays a vital role to embark upon a ship which has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
definite
meaning of its excursion.
Moreover
, we can assume the actual value of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
For instance
, an inactive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
leads to boredom, followed by loneliness and depression. The activity provides actual direction and motivation in order to pursue exact goals of our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
with,
Possible spelling mistake found.
workless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
may distract the person towards explicable acts,
hence
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may find themselves in traps of addiction that may draw numerous hassles for both individual and society.

To sum up, it is undeniable that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
initials for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is, in order to earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is
rather
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to run a meaningful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay The main reason people go to work is to earn money. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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